My Heart

Listening to: Nothing

Had an excellent talk with Carlo last night. It's so easy give into pointless temptations. It's so easy to hate sin with my brain and love it so dearly with my heart.

Certain things I have held onto long enough that they replaced God as the centre of my desires, the one that I worship. In essence my empty sins become my God and I am too left empty

I must be brutally honest here: I'm not very good at following God's instructions. At times I hate hearing the voice of his Spirit talk to me. At times I am ashamed to call myself a Christian, because applying that title to myself tarnishes Christ's name.

I wrote the following based on my honest observation of my own intentions:

Honesty appears to me a vice
I hold your hand and kiss your lips
You feed me everything that I desire
And I praise you
And I worship you my god

'Cause My heart doesn't hate you enough
to kick you down

All that I hold dear to me
All that my heart dwells upon
Not what they would think of me
Not what my brain permits
So I continue down this path
This well known decision
That I made years before
These events ever happened

And I hold you close
(I am bought at a price)
My four walled prison
(Honour God with my body)
I salivate at the thought
(There is not one that
I cannot stand up against)
I hold dear your empty yearning stare
(Hold fast to the wife of my youth)

'Cause to me you're nothing
Nothing but a sign
A graven image
A disguise
I desire to be true
But my heart is a whore
And I prostitute myself to you
My god

Because My heart doesn't hate you enough
To drag you down
Even though I Know there is nothing on which I cannot stand

Lord I pray I will stand against this.