Love Hurts

Listening to: Our Lady Peace- Do You Like It?

I used to be a legalist.

You see. There was a time in my life, not too long ago actually, when I thought that the Christian life was somewhat of an intellectual endeavour. I never wanted to be a Christian, I still hate that word. The only reason I am a Christian is because my logical thinking patterns could not ignore the fact that God made enough sense that I had to believe in Him. Of course, only just enough sense.

There was a time when I thought that the most important thing I could do would be to win an intellectual battle with some one so that they would pray "Lord Jesus, I'm such an asshole, please forgive me for screwing everything up so much. Oh yeah, forgive me for just saying 'ass' cause it's a bad witness."

Of course, I'm being purposely sarcastic here.

I don't understand myself really. I used to hate God, and "evangelical Christianity," but now at times, I feel like a salesman for God. It's like "You need God. You're a sinner. You suck. You need to pray and change yourself." except I myself don't use the product I'm selling enough.

It's not about selling God. I think he can sell himself. (Actually...he just gives himself away.)

I'm selfish, that's really all it is. I do the things I like to do. I like to swear, and get drunk. I like to look and women who are not wearing clothes. I like to do all that stuff. And I like to do it more than I like to love my neighbour. Love my neighbour as myself? My neighbour gets in the way of my pleasure. (Unless of course, my neighbour is a hot girl who offers to remove her clothing for me.)

I think my problem is that instead of asking God to give me love I attempt ot discipline myself. That is impossible. I am too selfish to stop doing the things I love, even though the things I love ultimately destroy me. What I need is to love the things God loves.

If I love my neighbour, it's not about getting them to say a prayer and come to church, in order to feel a victory. It's about caring for them listening to them praying for then (which, by the way, I won't do unless I love them.)

I think I love Sarah. And don't mean this in the "I want to break Sarah up with her boyfriend and date her" way.

It's that...I actually care about her in general. I care about her life. I want her to go to heaven, but it's not my goal to hear her say a prayer, and become all disciplined and serious...I want her to be Jesus' friend. Chat it up with him Go out with him for a pint (or a coffee, as she doesn't like beer). I want her to realize that the reason she is insecure, the reason all her relationships do not satisfy, is because humanity is broken, and we need to be fixed. I want her to want Jesus to fix her, and I want her to realize he asks nothing in return, cause there's nothing we can give him, except our broken hearts for him to fix. And I need to show her how to love God. I need to love God. I want Jesus to be my friend, my heart fixer. I want to love Jesus more than me. And I want to be able to say and mean, that I want everyone to be Jesus' friend in the same way that I want Sarah to be Jesus' friend.

Forgive me for not loving you more than I love me.