Subtly Shatter

Subtly shatter your
romance,

over black coffee and
distance.

Shattering smile her
countenance,

over words that betray
intents.

Part III

Broken, eating, open the sore open the door crying, "This is the new floor!" It’s where all the lonely ones go so pack your bags the train leaves soon for you. You have become that thing that you said you'd never be. The thing that you said you'd never be. The thing that you said you'd hate to be, that thing that you said you'd never be, the one that you said you could not be. Now now now you are that one. Are you proud of what you've been and what you've become?

Blessed are the meek and the poor in spirit, the ones who say what you thought they'd never say, and you thought you’d never hear it. Blessed are the meek that crawl head first on the ground. Blessed are the meek with their low moaning sound. This is the new, this is the new you.

"You said you'd never be a fractioned blind version of me, but now you’ve proven wrong and become what they were all afraid to see. You are me! You are me! You are me!”

Little one, a fractioned bruised broken empty little song.
You said you'd never be you said you'd never be.

"Blessed are the meek that crawl on their knees blessed are the meek who'll own all that they see in the land, in the land, in the land given to you by me."

Blessed are the meek because they will see.

uh-oh...

To or Away

Bono once said something to the tune of "The only good art is made by people who are either running to or away from God."

He was right.

Pictures from the 2005 TCF Fall Coffeehouse

And now, because I have figured out how to publish photos, Here are some photos of me reading poetry at the 2005 TCF coffeehouse:

I don't think that Megs and I will have to worry about too much rain in the middle of the Cat's Ass Pub... but it's always good to be prepared just in case.

Reading "Silent in Your Car." Notice the crazy burn on my arm... evil Tim Horton's soup pots...

Reading "Foot Note..." I think people were just a little confused by this one...

Reading "Un-Deliever" Stutter / strutter... I had fun with this one.

That will be my tour today. Have fun.

The thought of you

The thought of you:
burning coals
creating heat and light,
consuming.

Shake hands with the Middle Finger!

Listening to: Danielson Famile- Btwn. the Lines of the Scout Signs In order to understand the title of this post you'd have to hear this song. You gotta love a band when AMG gives them the genre classification "General Unclassifiable." This is truly strange music. Picture a carnival playing folk songs with Neil Young sucking helium singing about how we need to "take the power away from the middle finger!" I like it. Most likely, you don't.

Just killin' some time before I get in the tub... and then finish my modern poetry essay on WCW's Spring and All. When its finished I'll post it here and on the dps for those of you who may be interested.

I got my Con-Ed hoody today. Its a little small on me. I'll have to not put it in the dryer. Oh well, if it does get to small I can give it to my girlfriend (when I get one) and she can do the whole high school wearing- my- boyfriend's- hoody- with- his- name- on- it- to- show- that- we're- together thing that girls in high school always do. Except hopefully my girlfriend-to-be won't be in high school because that would be gross of me. She can pretend though.

I think too much.

I've said "I think too much" too many times.

I like my medium-sized hoody though. It goes well with my oh-so-emo small-sized black t-shirts. Yay.

Danielson scares me as much as it makes me happy...

I'm going to go like, write my essay or something. Heh heh. I am Cornholio! I need T. P. for my...

"Shut up Beavis."

mellow

Listening to: a "mellow" mix, including The River Bends, Cool Hand Luke, The 77s etc.

Its moments like this, when I just finished half of an essay, and sit back and chill that I think about how great life is. I love it, even when things appear to go completely wrong.

This Christmas I am going to go to my Dad's place in Toronto. I love Toronto. Especially the little family shops and buildings in dis-repair. Something about the old buildings that look as though they are falling apart is so beautiful, I know, I'm weird. I don't know. I just love big cities, at least, visiting them. I like living in my small city.

This is the first time I'll ever have Christmas with my dad. Crazy.

I want people to know Jesus.

I buy people good Christmas Presents

That I do.

I'm getting my mom a gift certificate for Fantality Tattoo Studio so that she can get the tattoo she's wanted for three years.

I'm getting my (Peterborough) Dad a lifejacket, and my (Toronto) Dad a set of Starbucks mugs.

I'm also taking my Mom and Dad out for New Year's dinner.

And what did I get my friends you ask? Well, I won't say, becuase they read this. But I will tell you this: Jerry will piss himself and Amber will (happily) roll her eyes.

November 30, 2004

I have spent the past nine
months pregnant with
my first
child. And now
my baby is still
born.

.pray

Bring your children home.

Part II

A little black with envy and a little green with strife. You thought you'd be a good man and you thought she'd be your wife. You were always so metaphysical, glazed with years of permanent dismissal.

Come down.
So walk down and fall down, always standing and laughing. On the inside. But you sit down and eat. On the outside. So come down. He is the maker of all things but is somehow only worth to you this fraudlulent apology. So come down, walk down, fall down. He who mourns will be comforted.

Oh so many things...

The great thing about Spiritual Gifts (other than their general awesomeness) is that when you are not in the right position with God, they don't "work" (for lack of a better term).

Having the gift of Knowledge, this seems compounded for me as when I am not right with God, my usual metaphysical awareness of the spiritual world around me goes away. That really, really sucks.

Fortunately, now is not one of those times. Recently, things have been great. Its not that I've even done anything special. I've just been praying each day for God to fill me with his Spirit so I can live in a holy manner.

Yesterday Kerri Kightly, the new Director of the Bridge Youth Centre, phoned me and asked if I'd be able to volunteer that night because they were so short staffed. I said no because I had a Junior High planning meeting. The meeting ended at 9:00 however, so I decided to make my way to the Bridge, and brought along 80 timbits with me.

It was so awesome finally being back. One girl that I've known for a long time but never connected with decided to spill her guts to me, an she pretty much told me everything that was going on in her life. The majority of the times I've seen this girl she's been strung out on various combinations of alcohol and drugs... but tonight she was completely sober. She told me that her court case is about to end and that she's doing well in school (her average is 65% and it couldn't make me any happier).

I was so glad to be there, and I could definitely feel God's Spirit working in me, and others... something I haven't felt in a while.

So good.

On another note...

On the way home from work today the front page of the National Post caught my eyes with two disturbing and shocking headlines...

In an unprecedented display of bigotry and racism someone has spraypainted a swastika on a memorial honouring the six million Jews who died in the holocaust. How sick is that?

The second story discussed how the Toronto Board of Directors for the Public Services Commission has temporarily banned the hiring of white males in public service positions in an attempt to create equal opportunity employment for women and visible minorities. Now, I believe sexism and racism are intolerable, but I also believe that the person with the best skills and level of education should be the one to get the job. And if the person with the best skills is a white male, why should he be denied the opportunity simply because he is white and a man?

That's racism too, folks.

Four-Letter Words

God speaks to me with four-letter words,
like "love" and "fear."
They say his word is a "double-edged sword,"
and its so weird

how when he speaks to me I'm cut in two.
I respond "expletive"
and people start to think that I'm so crude
but God's still interactive.

And even when he knows I ain't gonna learn,
God speaks in four-letters,
so specifically with those straightforward words
like "nail." He's so clever.

How to Live With a Curse

How to live with a Curse. The first cut off the chopping block. A gold ring in a pig's snout. That woman. A gold ring. A pig's snout. The Bull's horn slams into her ribcage. Choke, choke, gurgle. Like a gold ring.

The Bull tramples your flowers and drinks your clean water. Tell the Bastard to get him outta here. Tell the Bastard how to live with a Curse. Crack a smile when the Bull comes running. He who loves discipline is wise. He who mocks correction is stupid. Keep mocking. The Alpha and Omega.

Your gold ring is a curse. Your Alpha and Omega. You look like a pig under your skin. Your false Christ. Tell the Bastard he ain't got love. Your Christ is Bull. A Curse.

You're a queen in a pig's snout. The horn in your heart is an adequate decoration. The blood that drips out of your mouth matches your dress. You're a queen.

Where's your golden crown?
The ring lay bloody on the ground.

The Toothless Heroes Strike Back...

Project 86- ...And the Cattle Will Feed

1. Sincerely, Jebediah
2. All the Beans
3. Hoe-Down Stomp
4. Manure We Can't Eat
5. Home on the Range
6. Coveralls Remedy
7.My Horse Be a Red Horse
8. Harvest September
9. The Ham, The Bacon, The Burnt Toast
10. ...And the Cattle Will Feed
11. Gospel Sing
12. Blacksmith Legacy

For Graduate Students Only

The graduate students have comfortable plush chairs and lots of books. The graduate students have a coffee maker, a microwave and a quiet room. And they never use it. And if I use it I get in trouble. "Use the reading room," she says. Anger.

and they gave you money

sleep in a coma
shop at Rona

give some blood
join the mob

eat at Tim Horton's
love corporations

work in a boardroom
die in a bedroom

get off on a vacuum
darling please come home soon

have a heart attack
darling won't be back

What You Said

I used to
think
that people
who claim
to be
Christians
got into

heaven,

and those
who
say that
they
are not
Christians
went to

hell.

I do
not
believe
this
anymore.

Twenty-One

The hymns of angels
drown under your voice.

You are so beautiful.
So beautiful.
His hand will

greet you.
Sing!

Nothing
could ever

hold your voice,
so sing!

Nothing
that's under

heaven or earth,
so sing!

Nothing
could ever

take your place,
please sing!

nothing
will ever

destroy you,
be still.

An extra chromosome
could never

bind
your choice,
So sing!

I could never capture the beauty that I want to present. Forgive me for trying.

Now it is time for something completely different.

Now that I have spent the past eight or so posts writing poety and /or nonsensical ramblings I thought I would take Jer's advice and post something of at least partial coherance about my life.

I was talking to Todd today about writing and he mentioned to me that what I write is who I am, and that it is what I am thinking about. He then warned that I need to be careful what I let my mind continuosly think about. This immediately reminded me of a passage of scripture, Proverbs
23:7:

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (Good ol' KJV)

Hmmm... As I think in my heart I am... "think.." in my "heart...?" I don't suppose I've ever thought in my heart. As far as I know human biology, we think in our brains.

Interestingly, this passage actually uses two Hebrew words that are both translated as "heart" in the KJV text. The first instance is the Hebrew word nephesh, which literally means a "breathing creature," or, the body; figuratively it can mean "desire."

The second word is leb, which literally means "most interior organ," or "the centre of emotions."

Notice that neither word means "brain." The first means body. This implies the physical, the flesh. How does your body think? (Figuratively speaking, of course). It tells you what it needs, or wants. For example, "hey, I'm hungry! Feed me already!" or "Ouch! that fire burns! Get me out of it, idiot!"

So, the human body responds only on what it needs. What about the "centre of our emotions," the "heart?"

It is just plain irrational.

We can know things in our heads, but that doesn't matter all that much. No matter what our brain tells us, we're going to go by our emotions and our physical needs before we actually believe or do anything.

Why do you think Jesus fed the five-thousand people? Because its hard to focus on the gospel when you're starving!

Why does the bible continually speak about love, worry, fear, etc. constantly appealing to our emotions? Because unless we feel things, we won't care.

I've read so many excellent books that do brilliant jobs explaining the reasons for things such as suffering in the world. Yet when I read of natural disasters I point my finger at God.

I know, in my head, that chastity is godly and I know all the reasons why pre-marital sexual relations are ultimately damaging. But it doesn't stop me from desiring sex when it is not my time to engage in it.

Its not our brains that count, its our bodies and our emotions that will ultimately make any decisions for us.

To bring it back... what I write is what I feel. What I feel is what I am. If my writing is continually bitter then so is my heart, and so am I.

"Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee." I can say all I want to God or to you. But if my heart isn't with him, or with you, then my words are meaningless.

And another general application: I must choose to follow God with my body and my emotions, because then, and only then, will what I know in my brain be true of me.

Let it.

Lift your skinny fingers

Grey, blowing.
Bringing drunken joy.
You stand naked and lift your skinny fingers up
to heaven in praise of God the Father.

Taller than any other.
White steel and round rubber
plastic bumper should be fine cover.

Huntched over with antennaes facing downward,

you coward.

Lightning will always hit the same place twice,
until then your broken sonnet suffice.

Proverb

Like a lamb led to the slaughter,
These virgin kisses on your lips.

"...is obsolete."

joke joke laugh laugh pout pout.

In parenthesis: "You don't...

It's true.
You will, in time, learn. My son.
You will break the

Mornings are so vain.
The mirror is egocentric. Even
though it doesn't care.

You are
like a lamb

Large, rotten. Wool, covers and warms,

kills. You know

you're right. You
always were right. You
said to laugh it off. You
told

me." End Parenthesis.

And now:
I'll tell myself. Joke, Joke, Pout

Pout. Laugh.

imagining the monstrous

a mirror,
teeth.

Because You are So Devious

Like the sweet thoughts of love on a darkened and devious spirit.
(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline II. iii. 143)

Because your weapon lies there,
in your right hand in his left,
they all will laugh and smile and cry
and know that you are bless'd.

Because you are so devious,
you hid it there so all could see,
and hear and touch and taste and smell
the words of him who speaks.

Intent to Revise (An edit)

Dear N.-
There is a time to tear and a time to mend,
-A.

In

finite space.
Mannerism, blue.
Blue.
Blue on white and black
Pink on red and white.
White, Shine.

Smile

and now it's time for a Dead-Lib

One day, Noah [verb] to [genitive name] house. When he was there, Noah [preterite verb] some [plural noun]. He had lots of [noun] [present verb] some [plural noun]. So much [verb] in fact, that he [preterite verb] so [adverb] that his friend [name] told him to stop [present verb] so [adverb].

Noah was then very [emotion] because of [genitive name] sudden [adjective] [noun] of [feeling]. So Noah [preterite verb], and [preterite verb] home.

The End.

burning water drowning

I can live no longer by thinking.

All the world's a stage,

and men and women merely playing games

of hide and seek, cat versus mouse, and the

mouse is killing the cat. Who would have thought

that the trap could be trap'd? and the mouse gets

the last laugh. But she dies to get her crown.

I can live no longer by thinking,

This

will be the last thing thing that I ever think.

402

I'm contemplating applying to take English 402: Honours Thesis. This course pretty much involves spending a whole year writing a really long essay (50+ pages) on a topic of your choosing.

I'm thinking of comparing the poetics of William Carlos Williams and T. S. Eliot and discussing their differing views of what it means to be "modern" and how that "should" be manifested in prosody.

Anyway, It would involve tons of work and failing the course would mean effectively failing my honours degree (as this course would count as two of the three fourth year classes I need). So, it would be hard, but it would also more effectively prepare me for getting a Master's Degree (which almost invariably include writing a thesis). Plus, my thesis would be bound and permanently placed in the Trent University Library, for the perusal of future English students. Sounds fun.

(PS: I'll take that as a sign and won't press the issue any further).

To think about

English is not the official language of Heaven.
Heaven is not a "melting pot."
The North American evangelical view of God and theology is incomplete.
North America is not the "last stronghold" of Christianity.

⁹After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, ¹⁰and crying out with a loud voice, "Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!" ¹¹And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, ¹²saying, "Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen."

Revelation 7:9-12 (ESV)