I am in Kingston now

First of all, Kingston is freaking beautiful. The population is similar to Peterborough but it is very spread out. There are tons of trees and greenery, cliffs, and of course, Lake Ontario visible from my classrooms and a massive river running through town. Absolutely breathtaking.

The man I'm living with is named Jim McTavish and he is certainly a blessing from God. On my first night he drove me all around Kingston to show me where everything is, and he even took me out for dinner to a spicy, spicy thai restaurant (and he paid too!) Much better than a dorm for sure! I am thankful for his kindness.

Also he is the first true "Liberal Christian" I have ever met. He rejects pretty much the entirety of scripture as authority, but he reads theology and goes to a couple different church meetings. He also recommended a church that fits "my spiritual needs"... an associated gospel church called Bethal Tabernacle. They are reformed but as far as I can see also charismatic to some extent and apparently they have some rockin' worship, I'll be checking them out this Sunday.

The Kingston downtown also makes me happy. With 2 colleges and 1 university it is entirely aimed at young folks. The main street has a bunch of indie record shops and even an American Apparel (yes!) and to appease my homesickness, the sister Chumleigh's is located in downtown Kingston... lol I just need to not become as regular a customer as I am at home because I don't have a job anymore!

That's all for now, any Kingston folks better give me some love soon before I get lonely!

I am afraid of childrens

There is nothing else like your own impending, imminently foreseeable marriage to make you think about your future and your motivations. And there is something I have learned recently, notably, that I am absolutely terrified of having children. The thought of having a small defenseless creation of God in my custody disturbs me. The realization that this is something which may occur sooner rather than later creates an unfathomable shock to my system. Not only am I afraid of the concept of being responsible for a child, I am also afraid that I will not be able to provide... and the selfish part of me is also afraid of losing my relatively burden free middle-class bohemian lifestyle.

Let's take stock of the facts here: In approximately 11 months I will be marrying a wonderful woman. I will have just graduated from a professional program that qualifies me as a teacher of English and History at the secondary level and I will have no guarantees of permanent (or even temporary) employment in that field. My wife will have one more year of university and will also have a relatively large student loan debt to pay off the year following. That is not easy. Add to that the prospect of a dependent child and it makes me want to duck for cover.

I'm really afraid of screwing up my family, or of not being able to provide for my family, or even of waking up one day with the largest chip on my shoulder towards my family. I am afraid that I will be a bad example of Christ and that I will push my children away from him. And I believe worst of all, I have a hard time trusting God for timing in this whole issue.

It would be nice, for example, to not have a child while Rachel is still in school and I am not gainfully employed. However even if we were to use every form of birth control known to man there is no guarantee that she will not get pregnant because frankly, it is God's decision when and how we have our children.

As much as this scares me what it boils down to is that I need to trust God. Children may be scary but they are also humbling, because in the end, my success as a man will be defined by my children and not my me. It doesn't matter how successful I appear on the outside or whether or not my children grow up comfortably... what is important is that my children grow up to love the Lord, and that they love him even more than me. My success as a man will be measured by my sons being God-fearing husbands who live with their wives with understanding; and by my daughters knowing they are beautiful and unconditionally loved, valuing both womanhood and motherhood.

This is something that this self-centred childish man cannot accomplish without humility and trust. Humbly serving both God and Rachel, and trusting both God and Rachel with my life, my hopes, my accomplishments, my fears, my life, and most of all my heart.

This has been prompted by conversations with Rachel and others. I hope that these observations may be profitable to others in similar and different situations... most of all my prayer is that I would grow to be a Godly man and father, and that I will be able to trust God with my future, both distant and imminent. He is sovereign after all, and he has brought me this far along.

6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7, ESV)

Grace & Truth

Truth without grace breeds a self-righteousness legalism that poisons the church and pushes the world away from Christ. Grace without truth breeds moral indifference and keeps people from seeing their need for Christ. [Randy Alcorn, "The Grace and Truth Paradox"]

I recently had a conversation with someone I know but don't often see from TCF. Certain issues came up, and eventually I quoted a sort of proverb that I obviously must of heard someone say before because it was too good to be mine! What I said was "Truth without grace is judgment; grace without truth is license." I believe Randy got it better than me, but the point got me thinking.

It seems to me that most Christians are either "Truth Christians" or "Grace Christians," and that we collectively lack the humility to be both. In North America we particularly have a lack of grace that leads many people being excluded from the church and us being labeled as hypocrites. Some seek to remedy this by ignoring sin, and but this as well doesn't work No one will come to Christ unless they are convicted that they are a terrible sinner.

Jesus would be the best example of grace and truth working together. For example, one popular biblical passage (John 8) discusses Jesus' response toth e religious leaders presenting him with an adulteress, who, according to Jewish law, should be stoned.

Jesus' response is intriguing. First, he draws some pictures on the ground. I have no idea why! But then he says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." According to the biblical law, only those who were innocent of the sin being punished could participate in the stoning. In this case the sin was sexual, and you'd be hard pressed to find a man, any man, who has never lusted after a woman! So all the men disappear. Notably Jesus didn't deny the Jewish law, he just expected them to follow it all.

The only one there who could justifiably stone the woman was Jesus, but instead he shows her grace: he doesn't. But he also shows her truth: he tells her "Leave your life of sin." This simple statement is not necessarily as easy as it looks. Considering the laws of the middle east in Jesus' era, if this woman was sleeping around she probably wasn't married. Most likely she was a prostitute and made her living off of her body. She also (obviously) didn't have the best reputation. In order for her to "leave her life of sin" she would have to trust that she could make an income in another way (most women didn't work), but also she would have to fight to build a reputation as a good woman because everyone knew her as a whore.

So, her life was saved, but it would not be easy to live from now on. It is like being a Christian in every way. Jesus shows us the holes in his hands proving that our sin is forgiven and that we will go to heaven! But then he looks at us sternly and says "Leave your life of sin... take up your cross and follow me."

Have you?

That requires humility, that we be full of grace and truth, that we show the world God's unquenchable love for us, but also his wrath that is only quenchable by the blood from his son's veins. It is always a dichotomy. Fear and love, friends.

cha cha cha

thoughts & ideas:

1. The Lord has a keen sense of irony. Last week I mentioned something to my pastor and this week he preached on the exact thing that I mentioned. And it convicted the hell out of me.
2. I love sushi. Specifically, I love Matsu Sushi, the awesome and friendly local neighbourhood sushi joint.
3. The Chariot's new album will rip your face off and, not coincidentally, also convict the hell out of you. These are Josh's best lyrics. It's like non-cliche worship with pummeling heaviness... and southern mass-choir-ness! Enjoy at your own risk.
4. Nerdy news: Today I bought a Western Digital 120gb portable hard drive. Two purposes in mind: first, remove all valuable files and documents from my Craptacular Dell, and also to digitally back up ALL of my CDs onto it. This will be quite nice for traveling/partying purposes.
5. Rachel is amazing. Thanks for being there.

falling from the sky

It is so nice having Rachel so close! I can visit often, and it doesn't require long bus rides or staying up late! It is so refreshing. The ease of seeing each other has also done great things for us in our prayers and studies, which have become more regular and even spontaneous at times. We must remember to focus our relationship on nothing other than Christ, but that is impossible unless our own individual lives are focused on Christ, and this is easier said than done. So a prayer request would be, "pray for Rachel and I as a couple" because we don't plan on separating any time soon!

In other news, Rachel keeps finding old SNES games lying on the side of the road after work each day. In three days she has found three games, two of which are currently in my possession! And, to make it better, they are great games. Mickey Mania and Kirby Super Star. They are in decent condition and play fine. My best guess is that someone either dropped them accidentally and never returned for them, or someone threw out a box of games that someone found and decided to play a game of "Kick the Cartridge," thankfully these old school games hold up to abuse so much better than modern CD and DVD games.

So yeah, if anyone wants to get in on some multi-player SNES action, just bring a controller, cause I only have one! And if you got some good games, bring 'em over too! Hrmm, do I sense an old school SNES party in the works or what?!