There is nothing else like your own impending, imminently foreseeable marriage to make you think about your future and your motivations. And there is something I have learned recently, notably, that I am absolutely terrified of having children. The thought of having a small defenseless creation of God in my custody disturbs me. The realization that this is something which may occur sooner rather than later creates an unfathomable shock to my system. Not only am I afraid of the concept of being responsible for a child, I am also afraid that I will not be able to provide... and the selfish part of me is also afraid of losing my relatively burden free middle-class bohemian lifestyle.
Let's take stock of the facts here: In approximately 11 months I will be marrying a wonderful woman. I will have just graduated from a professional program that qualifies me as a teacher of English and History at the secondary level and I will have no guarantees of permanent (or even temporary) employment in that field. My wife will have one more year of university and will also have a relatively large student loan debt to pay off the year following. That is not easy. Add to that the prospect of a dependent child and it makes me want to duck for cover.
I'm really afraid of screwing up my family, or of not being able to provide for my family, or even of waking up one day with the largest chip on my shoulder towards my family. I am afraid that I will be a bad example of Christ and that I will push my children away from him. And I believe worst of all, I have a hard time trusting God for timing in this whole issue.
It would be nice, for example, to not have a child while Rachel is still in school and I am not gainfully employed. However even if we were to use every form of birth control known to man there is no guarantee that she will not get pregnant because frankly, it is God's decision when and how we have our children.
As much as this scares me what it boils down to is that I need to trust God. Children may be scary but they are also humbling, because in the end, my success as a man will be defined by my children and not my me. It doesn't matter how successful I appear on the outside or whether or not my children grow up comfortably... what is important is that my children grow up to love the Lord, and that they love him even more than me. My success as a man will be measured by my sons being God-fearing husbands who live with their wives with understanding; and by my daughters knowing they are beautiful and unconditionally loved, valuing both womanhood and motherhood.
This is something that this self-centred childish man cannot accomplish without humility and trust. Humbly serving both God and Rachel, and trusting both God and Rachel with my life, my hopes, my accomplishments, my fears, my life, and most of all my heart.
This has been prompted by conversations with Rachel and others. I hope that these observations may be profitable to others in similar and different situations... most of all my prayer is that I would grow to be a Godly man and father, and that I will be able to trust God with my future, both distant and imminent. He is sovereign after all, and he has brought me this far along.
6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
(Song of Solomon 8:6-7, ESV)
Labels: children, family, Jesus, prayer, relationships, School, work
