Marriage

Hello all, tomorrow is my wedding day, in approximately 13 hours I will be a married man. Accordingly I will be taking some time off of the Internet, so this is a note to let you know.

Your prayers and well wishes are appreciated!

Hey look it's a video blog!

I prefer triple berry

Listenings to: The Rapture- Pieces of the People We Love This is really fun, kinda sleazy and silly, but fun...

Well, I am again at the illustrious Coffee & Company (aka the only place in Kingston that offers free wireless) and I am waiting for Rachel to make her appearance on the internets, as we are supposed to have a coffee and msn date, but perhaps she forgot. That is okay though, but I do want to talk to her, as always.

Rachel and I are almost done our wedding plans!!! And I'm only missing two of my four limbs!!! (Just kidding, love ya hon.) We should be able to get invitations out sometime in January. It's going to be a small wedding, family and close friends, however we also plan on having a post-wedding party later in the summer and a Jack 'n' Jill party sometime before the wedding, so there will be plenty of opportunity for everyone to celebrate our union with us. (Wow... "celebrate our union." For some reason that just sounds funny... am I crazy or is it actually funny?)

I now have two reviews up on The Phantom Tollbooth and that makes me happy. Though I may not get paid, I do get free cds and dvds shipped to me, and I get to say that I am a published author on my resume. That and I love writing record reviews. HM needs to hire me or something! lol, I wish.

Check out the new Animal Collective record Strawberry Jam. It is kinda weird spazzy folk pop with some psychedelic noise thrown in for fun. The video for "Peacebone" is seriously messed up, check it out. Reminds me of prime Neutral Milk Hotel...on drugs...jamming with a less ridiculous Wolf Eyes. Um... that does make sense, I promise.

a million engines in neutral

hello from the pit of Kingston!

I like Coffee & Company... it is a fun place... My review of "OK Compy" will be coming but since it is Radiohead's seminal album I am taking my time and reading up... there are lots of books about this puppy. I also intend to write a review of Thom Yorke's "The Eraser," easily my favourite album of last year. Perhaps for the Tollbooth? And speaking of that my first published review is up, David Crowder Band- Remedy. (Mine is second down, there are two reviews.) I am really happy that this particular review is published, as I seem to be one of the few people who actually questions the merits of the new Crowder record. It's not bad, but it ain't great either.

I am having fun in Kingston so far again, but I do miss Rach. However I have a lot more free time with class than with prac, a blessing and a curse.

Rach and I are getting our wedding plans into high gear now, finalizing our guest list so that we can send out the invites. We also need to do other things such as finalize our venue, make a registry, and do our pre-marital counseling, all this within the next couple months! Crazy. It is all rather difficult to plan, and it is really causing us to examine things in a good way, to get down to some of those deep issues that you only get into when family is involved. It is all rather strange and crazy. One thing is for sure. I really love Rach, and I'm really looking forward to being married and not having to leave for months at a time for school.

I also now have everybody's Christmas presents except for my dad's. He is always the hardest to shop for. While shopping for Jer's present on the wonderful Ebay I also scored a reasonably priced copy of Thom Yorke's Japanese only EP Spitting Feathers which collects all the b-sides for The Eraser. Usually it goes for around $30, which is unreasonable for only 5 songs, especially since I already own (poor quality) iTunes versions. Anyway, I got it new and sealed for $16, which is still a lot to pay for five songs that I already have, but I really want to have them on hard copy and be able to make cd quality rips.... ah, the life of an audiophile...

Anyway, I guess that is a good enough update for now

when Hollywood runs out of Indians only the Indians will know

Well, I am in Peterborough still, and yes, I do exist. I've just been keeping myself very busy. Here's a breakdown:

Work/School: Yeah, for ONE class I prep at least 2 hours a night, and that's on top of traveling time and such craziness, this eats most of my time.

Wedding: Planning a wedding / maintaining sanity within my relationship with Rachel eats up the majority of the rest of my time. It's first in importance though.

You: You being the rest of my friends. I'd like to see you / I have seen you, but it takes time!

And while doing most of those things, chances are I am listening to way, way too much Radiohead.

Anyway, back to marking and lesson planning.

recap of the weekend

Listening to: Daft Punk- Human After All Remix EP This notably includes remixes by big names such as Justice and SebastiAn, but the best part is that each remix is so unique and different from the original song that I can listen to over 30 minutes of "Human After All" without getting bored. Cool!

This weekend saw a rather short trip to Dundas to visit Rachel's fam and go to the annual Cactus Festival. Since I had to work till 11 I went up on Saturday morning, catching the ungodly 4:10 am bus. I didn't bother sleeping for the approximately 4 hours between my shift and the bus, instead using the time to pack and get clean, as well as spend some quality time with Steve and Michael Hayes who providentially stepped into my Tim Horton's 5 minutes before the end of my shift, and they didn't plan it. Michael lent me the extent of his Daft Punk collection which I have safely placed upon my computer's hard drive to enjoy until a later time when I can obtain more legal copies at the right price. Steve and I also had a rather metaphysical conversation about film, music and the nature of Daft Punk's record Human After All (do we sense a theme here maybe?)

Anyway fast forward a few hours and I arrive in Toronto at 5:45 am. And my bus to Hamilton doesn't leave until 8:45. That's right, three whole hours in Toronto. This is not something I would normally complain about, especially considering that the flagship HMV and World's Largest Bookstore are both within a block from the bus terminal. The only problem is that even in Toronto, nothing except coffee shops are open until 9:00am, annoyingly 15 minutes after I have to leave. So pretty much all I did was go for an early morning walk and then nestle into a corner of Starbucks with my double tall non-fat no foam latte and my bible for some good reading of Philippians.

Finally I get on the bus and at 10 am I arrive in Dundas. I talk with Rachel's family for a while before Rachel gets home after buying her wedding dress (which I obviously was not allowed to see). Eventually I decide to have a nap, which stretches out to 4 hours before Rach wakes me up. We then walked around the main street of Dundas for the Cactus Festival. This is an annual event that is rather popular among the locals and tourists alike. Dundas used to have the province's largest Cactus store, and therefore defined itself as the "Cactus Capital of Ontario," and inaugurating the festival because of it. Since then the store has gone out of business and the Cactus Fest has very little to do with Cacti. Instead it is an opportunity for all the stores on the main street to have sales, a bunch of vendors to set up sidewalk sales, and some live music and an overpriced midway. Pretend the Peterborough Ex were to take place on George Street with the Midway in the park and the vendors lining the Street and you get the idea... except on a much smaller scale because Dundas is rather small.

Eventually we had supper at a local pub with a bunch of Rachel's friends. The food was great, but the service was the worst I have ever had. They actually forgot about my meal entirely and we had to remind the waitress about it about ten minutes after everyone else was eating. Then when Rachel's friend Brian asked for some water it took at least 20 minutes for him to receive it, and this pub isn't very big either.

On Sunday we went to see the movie "Superbad" with Misty and one of her friends. This was the most vile, disgusting, perverted and immature movie I have ever seen, and that's only based on the first 10 minutes. I almost walked out of it and I feel like I should have. Don't go see it, the title describes it perfectly. After the movie we had dinner with Rachel's family and then took the long ride home and stayed up chatting until about 1:30 am... then I decided to leave considering Rachel had to be at work for 8am this morning... ick...

Of course, as a side note, I also forgot my plastic bag which contained all my toiletries, so today I have to stop off at Shopper's Drug Mart before work to procure such staples as Deodorant, Sunscreen, and hair wax. So Now I must go get ready in order to do this... sigh, well that's all for now, hope you had a good weekend as well.

I am afraid of childrens

There is nothing else like your own impending, imminently foreseeable marriage to make you think about your future and your motivations. And there is something I have learned recently, notably, that I am absolutely terrified of having children. The thought of having a small defenseless creation of God in my custody disturbs me. The realization that this is something which may occur sooner rather than later creates an unfathomable shock to my system. Not only am I afraid of the concept of being responsible for a child, I am also afraid that I will not be able to provide... and the selfish part of me is also afraid of losing my relatively burden free middle-class bohemian lifestyle.

Let's take stock of the facts here: In approximately 11 months I will be marrying a wonderful woman. I will have just graduated from a professional program that qualifies me as a teacher of English and History at the secondary level and I will have no guarantees of permanent (or even temporary) employment in that field. My wife will have one more year of university and will also have a relatively large student loan debt to pay off the year following. That is not easy. Add to that the prospect of a dependent child and it makes me want to duck for cover.

I'm really afraid of screwing up my family, or of not being able to provide for my family, or even of waking up one day with the largest chip on my shoulder towards my family. I am afraid that I will be a bad example of Christ and that I will push my children away from him. And I believe worst of all, I have a hard time trusting God for timing in this whole issue.

It would be nice, for example, to not have a child while Rachel is still in school and I am not gainfully employed. However even if we were to use every form of birth control known to man there is no guarantee that she will not get pregnant because frankly, it is God's decision when and how we have our children.

As much as this scares me what it boils down to is that I need to trust God. Children may be scary but they are also humbling, because in the end, my success as a man will be defined by my children and not my me. It doesn't matter how successful I appear on the outside or whether or not my children grow up comfortably... what is important is that my children grow up to love the Lord, and that they love him even more than me. My success as a man will be measured by my sons being God-fearing husbands who live with their wives with understanding; and by my daughters knowing they are beautiful and unconditionally loved, valuing both womanhood and motherhood.

This is something that this self-centred childish man cannot accomplish without humility and trust. Humbly serving both God and Rachel, and trusting both God and Rachel with my life, my hopes, my accomplishments, my fears, my life, and most of all my heart.

This has been prompted by conversations with Rachel and others. I hope that these observations may be profitable to others in similar and different situations... most of all my prayer is that I would grow to be a Godly man and father, and that I will be able to trust God with my future, both distant and imminent. He is sovereign after all, and he has brought me this far along.

6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7, ESV)

Crazy times

Get ready for a long post.... this one will be what we did this weekend/why Queen's sucks/life lessons etc.... so sit back and relax.

first the run down of the weekend:

Friday

• leave at 5:45pm after working til 3:30pm, cutting it super close
• 7:45, arrive in Toronto, buy bus pass, head to Rotate This, a great indie record store. They were closing about ten seconds after we arrived so I just told the guys what I was looking for and they happily helped me find it before they closed.
• around 10-ish we get to my Dad's and hang out for a while before going to sleep

Saturday

• Go downtown around 12pm, go shopping on Queen for clothes etc. Hang out at Chapters. Lose bus pass. Cuss out losing bus pass. Buy new bus pass.
• We then went to the Delta Chelsea for the wedding and pulled the getting changed in the bathrooms.
• The wedding was great... I've decided that the most romantic thing an engaged couple can do is go to someone else's wedding... it's a way to prepare/take it in... it means more now that it will be happening in our lives as well.
• Eat food and drink alcohol. Briefly evangelize a man at our table, following lead from another brother who we had never met before.
• Best beef tenderloin ever
• Rachel's friends are awesome people

Sunday

• Hang out with James, an old friend who is now a professional graphic designer. It's great to see him again. We indulged in a bit of nostalgia with the consumption of Saint Cinnamon buns. Mmmm....
• Took dad out for late fathers day at Swiss Chalet, also got him a cd, a family love affair!
• Went back to dad's, got hair cut (and how!) ate supper
• Back to the station to come home.
• 11:00pm arrive home

Some observations:

• Dad and Geannie are quite fun, although our schedule was packed I feel we had a lot of time to hang out, perhaps it's that I'm more comfortable now, but it was also just really fun too!
• Losing track of people sucks
• Weddings are awesome
• Rachel is awesome, and I am even more thankful for her now
• Good music is just good music

Loot list:

• 2 American Apparel fine jersey buttoned leisure style shirts (for the purposes of looking professional and feeling comfortable at Con Ed placements
• Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness (volume 3 in the hilarious alt-rock/anime digest comic by Bryan Lee O'Malley, funny and up to par with his older stuff)
• Bible Doodles (a weird little stapled chapbook of sorts by Craig Thompson. It contains about 40 pages of short graphic stories based on the bible from his non-believing but raised in the church perspective. Never heard of it before but I love his stuff a lot. Probably a collector's item of sorts)

CDs:

(this is more than I've bought in a while, although following this I'm going to cut back again... I think this time I should go at least a month without buying any records at all. After all, soon enough I will have to buy essential items, like food, rent, etc. instead of just buying music... I do love it but recognize that I can be too gung ho about it. With that in mind, the last cds for a while:)

Aphex Twin- On (British EP) [this was a find! Rare-ish 1993 EP, the original British version. None of the 4 songs were ever released on anything again and it has become quite rare now. "On" was the first extremely successful single by Aphex Twin. Jarvis Cocker of Pulp directed the music video too!]

Aphex Twin- Richard D. James Album [self-titled I guess?! Often critically considered as his best work, and it is quite good stuff, Jungle style beats over ambient piano and samples... creates a very unique atmosphere.]

The Appleseed Cast- Low Level Owl Volume 2 [Unfortunately couldn't find vol 1, this album is mostly instrumental, it is great chill out music]

The Appleseed Cast- Two Conversations [a lot of people love it and it contains their best known song, I haven't really heard it yet though]

Bear Vs. Shark- Right Now, You're In The Best Of Hands... [first of only two bvs albums, not as classic as Terrorhawk but songs like "Ma Jolie" are among the best. A great record.]

Neutral Milk Hotel- On Avery Island [similar to bvs this band had only two records, a great debut followed by an absolute classic. This is the debut, what I've heard is good, very different feel from their second and better record though]

PART II: Why Queen's Sucks

They put my placement in Bowmanville... How on earth am I going to get to Bowmanville everyday for 6 months, hmmm? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Holds back urge to cuss out Queen's)

Well anyway, it's late and I should sleep, been awake too long and I have lots of laundry to do tomorrow. Took some fun pics that should make it up on facebook soonish, keep your eyes open for those!

Unto Death?

This is not a study but an observation, in terms of studies within the next few months I'll be posting an essay on the Spiritual Gift of Discernment (expect 3000+ words), and possibly a quick(?!) study on 2 Timothy 3. But until then, this:

I've recently been saddened by noticing the amount of Christians(?) I know who are fallen away from God/the church. I will not name names, as this is not Noah's rumor mill, but there is at least 10-12 people I know, of different ages and backgrounds, friends/mentors/pastors and others who at one point showed an intense love for Christ but now are disgruntled and don't give a crap.

All of them people who taught me about God, molded me into who I am today, and influenced me specifically in my Christian life. The part that really sucks though is that these people mostly didn't just wake up one day and decide that Jesus wasn't for them, instead it was a result of being fed up with the church's hypocrisy and/or being pushed away from the church by other Christians. Once void of fellowship, they were left to Spiritual predators and Satan the ravenous lion had his way with their souls. I feel there is nothing I can do to reach out to these people from my past.

For the record I am a firm Calvinist. I will go along with Charles Spurgeon on this one... I have my own private beliefs regarding biblical doctrines and "Calvinism" is just a nickname given to "the Gospel." I believe in salvation by grace alone through faith alone. I believe in the inherent sinfulness of humanity from conception, and in the divine election of the Saints by God unto salvation. I also firmly believe in the doctrine of eternal security, that once one commits their live to Christ that nothing, no plot of man or the devil, even of themselves, can loose them from the grip and love of God.

When I see my fallen friends I am left with two options that either, a) they never knew Christ to begin with, or b) they do know Christ and are backslidden. Neither option appeals to me but both are in agreement with Scripture on the topic. I do not claim to understand this, but it makes me really sad.

We are not resurrected unto death, but unto life, and once one has tasted of that life why would they again choose death? Why do I so often choose the rotten death of this world over the freedom inherent in the Gospel? Do I care about my eternal soul? Do I love Jesus? Is God my father or my General? Do I truly understand that God's will is one of blessing and not of cursing? This makes me want to scream expletives at the top of my lungs.

Will I stand among those to whom Christ says "well done good and faithful servant" or will I stand among the deserters shamed by my sin and my pathetic stupidity?

oh God forgive me

Engagement

So now I'm engaged. That's probably the most ridiculous thing ever. I pictured like, a massive five year build up before I would have the guts to propose to someone, but it only took 8 months, which is kinda short. Too short some would say, but frankly, looking at Rachel and looking at me, I believe that we can (and do) glorify God better together than apart, and that is good enough for me! (That and Rachel is an awesome, empathetic, nice, godly and beautiful woman, how could I go wrong?)

The internet is a funny tool, it takes about 0.5 seconds to change facebook status before pretty much everyone we know is capable of knowing about our engagement... is that a cop out or a good thing? Or am I just way too thoughtful now?

I think this is yet to hit me really, but don't worry I get the gist of it! The Lord is truly faithful even when I am not and that is the real lesson here. God works all things together for the good for those who love him, and that is even when I lack trust. I did not expect to get engaged this year... actually I didn't even expect to date anyone this year. The way God brings people together really blows my mind.

And thanks to everyone who reads, most of you know both Rachel and me, some of you just me, but in any case a lot of you have prepared me to engage (lol) in this endeavor of life. So thanks. May Rachel and I bring the Lord Christ glory in our future marriage; and God bless you!

At Rachie's for the 500th time by now...

This weekend was pretty insane. Busy, busy, busy. We got to Dundas around 11:30pm and hung out with Rachel's parents chatting it up over some Guiness and Scotch. On Saturday everyone else got up early for Charlotte's final gymnastics performance of the year, but I didn't go as I wouldn't fit in the car. A leisurely walk through downtown Dundas was not out of the question though.

Most of Saturday was spent celebrating both Jessica and Charlotte's birthdays (which are one week apart). A large and excellent feast of meaty goods was prepared, and fun was had by all. Also had a good chat with Rachel's parents when the young'uns went downstairs for their slumber party.

Today we went shopping in various malls so that the girls could spend their gift certificates for Chapters/La Senza Girl etc. I managed to find some good stuff as well, a book of poetry, Metropolis 16-29 by Rob Fitterman, a rather innovative poet and the leading edge of the modern technological/big city Avante-Garde. Also a couple cds, Mary Star of the Sea by Zwan, Billy Corgan's short lived post Pumpkins group... it is quite strange hearing him sing some praises to Jesus. Also Terrorhawk by the also defunct Bear vs. Shark, a mind-blowing record that is impossible to describe... wanted it for a while but didn't want to spend $20 on it, but finally said "screw it" and got it at HMV for that ridiculous price... which I guess is okay as I really haven't seen it anywhere else and it really is that good.

I really got to know Rach's family better this time... I had at least one meaningful conversation of decent length with each member of her family. They are all quite cool. Things are going quite well. I am dead tired though... at least I can sleep in cause I don't work til 2:30pm tomorrow.

See you all later, come back soon for some summer fun!

aeroplane flies high

Ugh... 3-11 tonight, 7-3 tomorrow morning, another day with no sleep. For those of you who prayed over my foot thanks, the day after I made that most it was about 95% and now it's great! Of course, now Rachel hurt her foot playing soccer!

This weekend I'm heading down to Dundas for Rachel's sisters' birthday party. Should be fun meeting more of the fam, plus I will be discussing certain items of note with the parents... ahem...

I find it ironic that Smashing Pumpkins b-sides are often better than Smashing Pumpkins a-sides... notably all the b-sides from Adore and Machina are actually better than those albums... and I'm a big fan of the Pumpkins later period, more so than the early stuff actually. If you ever see a copy of the SP greatest hits record that includes the second disc Judas 0: B-Sides and Rarities 1995-2000 do not hesitate to make purchase of those shiny discs. Judas 0 was tres limited and contains some GREAT songs...

Rachel and I are now done 1 Timothy and moving on to 2 Timothy in our weekly studies. From 1 Timothy I believe I am starting to get more of a grasp on Ecclesiology, and what I find most interesting is how much the elders are told to say no. Paul instructs the elders to pretty much do a background check on anyone who requires assistance to make sure that they're not screwing the church... of course this is under the obvious assumption that the church offers support to those who need it.

Also the fiscal responsibility of being a husband really hits me hard... I have often been frivolous with money because I've always had extra cash but that will have to end when I get married... I assume that my wife will be staying home with the kids, and therefore I will be providing most or all of the money for living expenses. Yes, I believe in the "traditional" (a.k.a. biblical) family model. No, I am not sexist, and no, I don't think it is wrong for women to have careers. However I do believe that when a man and woman choose to marry that they should do so with the understanding that God intends for them to have a family and that God has ordained the husband as the provider for that family. 1 Timothy includes the chilling warning "If a man does not provide for his family he has betrayed the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" yikes.

I may go into more detail about this passage later but don't expect it!

Looking forward to the weeks to come, see y'all later.

do you still believe?

Argh. No sleep last night at all. I must say that funny as it is, I had a normal bed time for 22 years but after 4 months of working midnights last summer I still haven't been able to regulate my sleeping pattern. Some days I go to bed at 10:00pm, and other days, probably as a combination of my overly thoughtful nature, caffeine on an overly sensitive nervous system, and a burdened spirit... no sleep. I look at my clock at 1am and realize I really need to sleep before my alarm goes off at 4:3oam so I can go to work. Next thing I know, three hours of rumination upon a combination of the biblical precept of tithing, Super Metroid, missing Rachel, and song lyrics forming in my brain, my alarm goes off and I laugh. I am still awake, for almost 36 hours by now and I'm still only partially tired.

My friend Peter really, really wants to start a spazz-thrash band, Slayer meets The Chariot style. He has invited me to do vocals and I will oblige if anything comes of it, but since all my past musical forays have failed I'm not going to get my hopes up. However I am surprised by the ease at which I am writing lyrics, not straight poetry, but actual lyrics that I could fit to music. We'll see how it goes. In any case the band would be called "Whores." and my lyrics are taking the direction of humanity's infidelity with God, so "Whore" is probably the best descriptor. Funny thing is that everyone Peter has asked to be in the band is a Christian, and he is not. Sounds like a good opportunity to me!

And as another note Ashamed is definitely the best Suffering & the Hideous Thieves record...

And uh, I miss Rachel, haven't really seen her for a week minus the 10 minutes spent at her place with Jerry on Wednesday. This rather sucks as our relationship tends to improve both of us. We need some improvin' says I!

On another note I am unfortunately back on the heart meds as well as the thyroid stuff, so 5 pills a day until June 1st then 3 a day. The pills are having a strong effect on me. I guess I never realized how much of a role metabolic hormones play on my personality. I feel calmer, however still easily agitated. If I miss a pill or two or take them irregularly I become flightly, tired and light-headed.... kind of like I want to vomit and sleep at the same time...

Please keep praying over this. I would like a full recovery and would prefer to not take pills for the rest of my life, especially as they do modify my personality (some would say for the better no doubt! lol)

that will be all for now, see yas!

falling from the sky

It is so nice having Rachel so close! I can visit often, and it doesn't require long bus rides or staying up late! It is so refreshing. The ease of seeing each other has also done great things for us in our prayers and studies, which have become more regular and even spontaneous at times. We must remember to focus our relationship on nothing other than Christ, but that is impossible unless our own individual lives are focused on Christ, and this is easier said than done. So a prayer request would be, "pray for Rachel and I as a couple" because we don't plan on separating any time soon!

In other news, Rachel keeps finding old SNES games lying on the side of the road after work each day. In three days she has found three games, two of which are currently in my possession! And, to make it better, they are great games. Mickey Mania and Kirby Super Star. They are in decent condition and play fine. My best guess is that someone either dropped them accidentally and never returned for them, or someone threw out a box of games that someone found and decided to play a game of "Kick the Cartridge," thankfully these old school games hold up to abuse so much better than modern CD and DVD games.

So yeah, if anyone wants to get in on some multi-player SNES action, just bring a controller, cause I only have one! And if you got some good games, bring 'em over too! Hrmm, do I sense an old school SNES party in the works or what?!