yeah and stuff

Hello. I have been engaged in an interview process with Minacs. The next step is to actually have an in person interview, and I am awaiting their reply. Please pray that I get this interview, and God willing, this job.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of my time reading and enjoying music. Reading is fun now because whatever I read is my choice, and is read at my own pace. I love it. And music is always good. Here is a list of what I have been enjoying lately.

[READING:]

I am reading Thomas Pynchon's V. This is a fun, complicated book. Pynchon is a great author, I'm surprised that I never encountered him in University. Read this book, as well as Gravity's Rainbow, both are considered masterworks.

I am also reading lots of Manga. I blame this on Rach and on going to Anime North. I picked up a couple classics, including Katsuhiro Otomo's Akira, the first Manga translated into English. Also Masamune Shirow's cyber-punk Ghost in the Shell. I have also been reading some more recent Mangas such as Kohta Hirano's Hellsing and Hideyuki Kurata's Read or Die, both highly recommended.

[LISTENING:]

Lots of good stuff, however some recent stuff I've been enjoying:

Thrice- The Alchemy Index [all four volumes are excellent, progressive, and spiritual. Beautiful music.]

Kevin Max- The Blood [a collection of spiritual songs from Kevin, aka K-Max, aka the only member of DC Talk to do something worthwhile in his solo career (oh! snap!)  This is great for personal reflection, worship, and various other activities...]

The Human Flight Committee- Oh, When the Animals Unionize [received this from the Tollbooth for review. It is quite enjoyable, been listening nonstop for a couple days. Progressive punky goodness, obvious mewithoutYou influences, but more poppy with a flair for some Anberlin or Emery styled sections.]

I have also been enjoying espresso from my awesome new Breville Espresso Machine c/o Steve Hayes. It is awesome, just like him.

And Rach just made delicious chocolate chip cookies. Cookies and milk time. Oh yes.

I am afraid of childrens

There is nothing else like your own impending, imminently foreseeable marriage to make you think about your future and your motivations. And there is something I have learned recently, notably, that I am absolutely terrified of having children. The thought of having a small defenseless creation of God in my custody disturbs me. The realization that this is something which may occur sooner rather than later creates an unfathomable shock to my system. Not only am I afraid of the concept of being responsible for a child, I am also afraid that I will not be able to provide... and the selfish part of me is also afraid of losing my relatively burden free middle-class bohemian lifestyle.

Let's take stock of the facts here: In approximately 11 months I will be marrying a wonderful woman. I will have just graduated from a professional program that qualifies me as a teacher of English and History at the secondary level and I will have no guarantees of permanent (or even temporary) employment in that field. My wife will have one more year of university and will also have a relatively large student loan debt to pay off the year following. That is not easy. Add to that the prospect of a dependent child and it makes me want to duck for cover.

I'm really afraid of screwing up my family, or of not being able to provide for my family, or even of waking up one day with the largest chip on my shoulder towards my family. I am afraid that I will be a bad example of Christ and that I will push my children away from him. And I believe worst of all, I have a hard time trusting God for timing in this whole issue.

It would be nice, for example, to not have a child while Rachel is still in school and I am not gainfully employed. However even if we were to use every form of birth control known to man there is no guarantee that she will not get pregnant because frankly, it is God's decision when and how we have our children.

As much as this scares me what it boils down to is that I need to trust God. Children may be scary but they are also humbling, because in the end, my success as a man will be defined by my children and not my me. It doesn't matter how successful I appear on the outside or whether or not my children grow up comfortably... what is important is that my children grow up to love the Lord, and that they love him even more than me. My success as a man will be measured by my sons being God-fearing husbands who live with their wives with understanding; and by my daughters knowing they are beautiful and unconditionally loved, valuing both womanhood and motherhood.

This is something that this self-centred childish man cannot accomplish without humility and trust. Humbly serving both God and Rachel, and trusting both God and Rachel with my life, my hopes, my accomplishments, my fears, my life, and most of all my heart.

This has been prompted by conversations with Rachel and others. I hope that these observations may be profitable to others in similar and different situations... most of all my prayer is that I would grow to be a Godly man and father, and that I will be able to trust God with my future, both distant and imminent. He is sovereign after all, and he has brought me this far along.

6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7, ESV)

DAS

That is, suffering from DAS (Disgusting Ass Syndrome, including but not limited to the following: odiferous flatulence, explosive diarrhea, and the "ring of fire")

This was me yesterday, and according to the Canadian Board of Health, one cannot handle food while suffering from DAS, so I got the day off work!

So Rach and I had some mellow hang outs and watched Pirates of the... Stupid Long Movie Titles 2, and yeah, fun. We also had a nice leisurely walk down to Staples so that I could buy another Surge Protector, this one for upstairs to enable usage of my new Compy speakers/pluggin' in the compy/AC/phone one the one measly electrical outlet my computer room has due to my house being freaking old. I love these awesome wall mounted surge protectors though, they make me excited. You know you're a geek when...

Anyway, off to work!

new poetrees

I believe I will actually be posting some new poetry this week on my other blog (see link on right). It's been a while... it's not that I haven't been writing... I have, just more sporadically and it has become a slower process. If I have learned only one thing in university it is that poetry cannot be rushed and inspiration (in the classical sense) cannot be forged. Therefore I only write when I have something to say and I say it in the time I need to say it. I used to think that taking 5-6 years to write a 60 page book of poetry was exorbiant but now I understand.

But yes, one or two new poems will be up by Thursday or Friday for those who have ears (or eyes).

Busy week at work this week.

At Rachie's for the 500th time by now...

This weekend was pretty insane. Busy, busy, busy. We got to Dundas around 11:30pm and hung out with Rachel's parents chatting it up over some Guiness and Scotch. On Saturday everyone else got up early for Charlotte's final gymnastics performance of the year, but I didn't go as I wouldn't fit in the car. A leisurely walk through downtown Dundas was not out of the question though.

Most of Saturday was spent celebrating both Jessica and Charlotte's birthdays (which are one week apart). A large and excellent feast of meaty goods was prepared, and fun was had by all. Also had a good chat with Rachel's parents when the young'uns went downstairs for their slumber party.

Today we went shopping in various malls so that the girls could spend their gift certificates for Chapters/La Senza Girl etc. I managed to find some good stuff as well, a book of poetry, Metropolis 16-29 by Rob Fitterman, a rather innovative poet and the leading edge of the modern technological/big city Avante-Garde. Also a couple cds, Mary Star of the Sea by Zwan, Billy Corgan's short lived post Pumpkins group... it is quite strange hearing him sing some praises to Jesus. Also Terrorhawk by the also defunct Bear vs. Shark, a mind-blowing record that is impossible to describe... wanted it for a while but didn't want to spend $20 on it, but finally said "screw it" and got it at HMV for that ridiculous price... which I guess is okay as I really haven't seen it anywhere else and it really is that good.

I really got to know Rach's family better this time... I had at least one meaningful conversation of decent length with each member of her family. They are all quite cool. Things are going quite well. I am dead tired though... at least I can sleep in cause I don't work til 2:30pm tomorrow.

See you all later, come back soon for some summer fun!

aeroplane flies high

Ugh... 3-11 tonight, 7-3 tomorrow morning, another day with no sleep. For those of you who prayed over my foot thanks, the day after I made that most it was about 95% and now it's great! Of course, now Rachel hurt her foot playing soccer!

This weekend I'm heading down to Dundas for Rachel's sisters' birthday party. Should be fun meeting more of the fam, plus I will be discussing certain items of note with the parents... ahem...

I find it ironic that Smashing Pumpkins b-sides are often better than Smashing Pumpkins a-sides... notably all the b-sides from Adore and Machina are actually better than those albums... and I'm a big fan of the Pumpkins later period, more so than the early stuff actually. If you ever see a copy of the SP greatest hits record that includes the second disc Judas 0: B-Sides and Rarities 1995-2000 do not hesitate to make purchase of those shiny discs. Judas 0 was tres limited and contains some GREAT songs...

Rachel and I are now done 1 Timothy and moving on to 2 Timothy in our weekly studies. From 1 Timothy I believe I am starting to get more of a grasp on Ecclesiology, and what I find most interesting is how much the elders are told to say no. Paul instructs the elders to pretty much do a background check on anyone who requires assistance to make sure that they're not screwing the church... of course this is under the obvious assumption that the church offers support to those who need it.

Also the fiscal responsibility of being a husband really hits me hard... I have often been frivolous with money because I've always had extra cash but that will have to end when I get married... I assume that my wife will be staying home with the kids, and therefore I will be providing most or all of the money for living expenses. Yes, I believe in the "traditional" (a.k.a. biblical) family model. No, I am not sexist, and no, I don't think it is wrong for women to have careers. However I do believe that when a man and woman choose to marry that they should do so with the understanding that God intends for them to have a family and that God has ordained the husband as the provider for that family. 1 Timothy includes the chilling warning "If a man does not provide for his family he has betrayed the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" yikes.

I may go into more detail about this passage later but don't expect it!

Looking forward to the weeks to come, see y'all later.

in circles

Well today was a day of much travels... first I went to Tim Hortons to sort out some shift issues and it went well, I even picked up another shift! Then I checked out the mall for something to do before busing it downtown... after trips to the usual spots (Chumleighs/Disc Depot/Bluestreak) I went to Rachel's...

...only to find out that she had beat me to Disc Depot and had randomly bought a Playstation 2!!! And she wanted to go to the mall to pick up supplies for it! So she whipped me up some pasta while I researched for the best games on the PS2. After dinner we went to EB and left with a memory card, a PS RF Switch for my old TV that she has, and two games, including Lego Star Wars 2 which I bought for use on her system... I also intend to buy a second controller for 2 player action at her house...

Anyway, we end up back at her place and we watch Wayne's World a classic film that was the Napoleon Dynamite of the early 90s. I am still trying to convince her to watch Halloween with me... It's not that scary, really!!!

anyway, it is now bedtime as I need to get up early and go to the bank tomorrow. See y'all later.

Gradiduationedzes

Lis10in: The Smashing Pumpkins- I of the Mourning Everyone called MACHINA/The Machines of God the worst Pumpkins record. I disagree... Don't let your appreciation of this record be tainted by your Adore disappointments. I would say that I dig this more than Adore and also more than Gish. The lyrics are Billy's best too. It's too bad the production is so processed though. Got it for $4.99 so I ain'ts complainins

The past few days have been quite packt (like sardines in a crushd tin box). Thursday was my gradiduation from Trent University. So now I can prove to you that I can speak good. So, tso good. The ceremony was... um, distorted by hail the size of ice cubes which enjoyed cutting my fingers open. Following was some dinna avec Dad (from TO) and Rach at Hot Belly Mamma's, one of teh best restaurants in this town.

On Friday I hung out with my dad and we had some good conversationings. I also found the elusive Metroid II: The Return of Samus for use on my old skool Gameboy system (the original, folks). This was at the Hock Shop. The game play has some unique features... much simpler control than on Super Metroid, but also harder to master the intricacies of movement.

I also went to Emmaus with Rach and picked up the book Listening to the Beliefs of Emerging Churches on a recommendation from Erin Doherty. It includes 5 chapters from different "Emerging" pastors about essential doctrine, etc. Each other writer then responds, so it is kinda like an academic roundtable discussion. Apparently I should like the first chapter (Driscoll) but become increasingly pissed off as I go on. We'll see. Three cheers for comparative theology!!!

Also werkt midnights last night and tonight.... sux. But next week it is all days. Yays. That is all fer nowz.

EDIT: It also turns out that this was my 500th blog posting.

All is quiet

Well I'm off to work soon for what will be the first of my four last midnight shifts ever. Sucks. I hate midnight shifts. Good news though is that my ESV "Journaling Bible" came in and I've been making some use of it. Quite nice to have the space to write ideas/notes and feel no guilt (I'm SUPPOSED to write in it!)

Had dinner with Rach and my mom. Jerry? Are you free tomorrow evening? If so you're mine!

Talk to y'all later.

do you still believe?

Argh. No sleep last night at all. I must say that funny as it is, I had a normal bed time for 22 years but after 4 months of working midnights last summer I still haven't been able to regulate my sleeping pattern. Some days I go to bed at 10:00pm, and other days, probably as a combination of my overly thoughtful nature, caffeine on an overly sensitive nervous system, and a burdened spirit... no sleep. I look at my clock at 1am and realize I really need to sleep before my alarm goes off at 4:3oam so I can go to work. Next thing I know, three hours of rumination upon a combination of the biblical precept of tithing, Super Metroid, missing Rachel, and song lyrics forming in my brain, my alarm goes off and I laugh. I am still awake, for almost 36 hours by now and I'm still only partially tired.

My friend Peter really, really wants to start a spazz-thrash band, Slayer meets The Chariot style. He has invited me to do vocals and I will oblige if anything comes of it, but since all my past musical forays have failed I'm not going to get my hopes up. However I am surprised by the ease at which I am writing lyrics, not straight poetry, but actual lyrics that I could fit to music. We'll see how it goes. In any case the band would be called "Whores." and my lyrics are taking the direction of humanity's infidelity with God, so "Whore" is probably the best descriptor. Funny thing is that everyone Peter has asked to be in the band is a Christian, and he is not. Sounds like a good opportunity to me!

And as another note Ashamed is definitely the best Suffering & the Hideous Thieves record...

And uh, I miss Rachel, haven't really seen her for a week minus the 10 minutes spent at her place with Jerry on Wednesday. This rather sucks as our relationship tends to improve both of us. We need some improvin' says I!

On another note I am unfortunately back on the heart meds as well as the thyroid stuff, so 5 pills a day until June 1st then 3 a day. The pills are having a strong effect on me. I guess I never realized how much of a role metabolic hormones play on my personality. I feel calmer, however still easily agitated. If I miss a pill or two or take them irregularly I become flightly, tired and light-headed.... kind of like I want to vomit and sleep at the same time...

Please keep praying over this. I would like a full recovery and would prefer to not take pills for the rest of my life, especially as they do modify my personality (some would say for the better no doubt! lol)

that will be all for now, see yas!

General updatezing

Argh. Hey everyone... One last essay and then freedom for a while... planning on going to Rachel's for Easter but they scheduled me at work for 3-11 on Saturday even though I requested it off over 5 weeks ago so I need to sort that out so that I can go.

Rachel's birthday surprise went quite well, Misty and Andy showed up a bit lated but that's to be expected when someone's on a plane! They came to church with us and after to Rachel's choir performance which was great! On Sunday I also picked up Beavis and Butt-head: The Mike Judge Collection Volume 2 so now I only need volume 1 and I'll have all the B&B available on dvd. (Thanks Steve for the special edition of the movie!)

Dennis Lee is coming to Peterborough on Wednesday! He'll be reading at Cervantes Restaurant (across from The Only Cafe) at 7:00pm. You should come because he's great!

Well, nothing substantial really, have a good day!