I am afraid of childrens

There is nothing else like your own impending, imminently foreseeable marriage to make you think about your future and your motivations. And there is something I have learned recently, notably, that I am absolutely terrified of having children. The thought of having a small defenseless creation of God in my custody disturbs me. The realization that this is something which may occur sooner rather than later creates an unfathomable shock to my system. Not only am I afraid of the concept of being responsible for a child, I am also afraid that I will not be able to provide... and the selfish part of me is also afraid of losing my relatively burden free middle-class bohemian lifestyle.

Let's take stock of the facts here: In approximately 11 months I will be marrying a wonderful woman. I will have just graduated from a professional program that qualifies me as a teacher of English and History at the secondary level and I will have no guarantees of permanent (or even temporary) employment in that field. My wife will have one more year of university and will also have a relatively large student loan debt to pay off the year following. That is not easy. Add to that the prospect of a dependent child and it makes me want to duck for cover.

I'm really afraid of screwing up my family, or of not being able to provide for my family, or even of waking up one day with the largest chip on my shoulder towards my family. I am afraid that I will be a bad example of Christ and that I will push my children away from him. And I believe worst of all, I have a hard time trusting God for timing in this whole issue.

It would be nice, for example, to not have a child while Rachel is still in school and I am not gainfully employed. However even if we were to use every form of birth control known to man there is no guarantee that she will not get pregnant because frankly, it is God's decision when and how we have our children.

As much as this scares me what it boils down to is that I need to trust God. Children may be scary but they are also humbling, because in the end, my success as a man will be defined by my children and not my me. It doesn't matter how successful I appear on the outside or whether or not my children grow up comfortably... what is important is that my children grow up to love the Lord, and that they love him even more than me. My success as a man will be measured by my sons being God-fearing husbands who live with their wives with understanding; and by my daughters knowing they are beautiful and unconditionally loved, valuing both womanhood and motherhood.

This is something that this self-centred childish man cannot accomplish without humility and trust. Humbly serving both God and Rachel, and trusting both God and Rachel with my life, my hopes, my accomplishments, my fears, my life, and most of all my heart.

This has been prompted by conversations with Rachel and others. I hope that these observations may be profitable to others in similar and different situations... most of all my prayer is that I would grow to be a Godly man and father, and that I will be able to trust God with my future, both distant and imminent. He is sovereign after all, and he has brought me this far along.

6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7, ESV)

Good News

A few months ago I mentioned that I have Grave's Hyperthyroidism and asked for prayer. I have good news regarding this issue! It turns out that my thyroid is slowly correcting itself so that it produces thyroid hormone at the proper rate (around 25). When I was first diagnosed my rate was in the 60s, on my most recent blood work it was at 11, less than normal rate! This means that I am taking too much medication, so my rate has been dropped down to 2 pills a day, with the chance that I will be taken off pills altogether within the next two months.

That would be a complete healing folks, and that would be good. It would allow me to more easily serve overseas if I am led... So thank you for your prayers, and please keep it coming so that I will be able to stop taking pills as soon as possible.

Whitby and the 'Shwa

Today I went to Whit(e)by and the 'Shwa with Steve, Jer, and Sybil. Sarah was a gonna come but somethin' came up so she couldn't.

We went mainly because I received a gift certificate for Best Buy from my Dad for graduation, and Whitby has the nearest Best Buy. Plus it was a great excuse to go to Teddy's Restaurant in the 'Shwa, the OC, and Deja Vu Discs.

We all had fun, I got some Bose speakers for my compy, and they sound heavenly... I knew that Bose have a rep for really high quality audio reproduction, but I didn't think such rich and, well, three-dimensional sound could come from two small speakers... Great Success!!! Thanks Dad!

When we hit up the CD shops I got some new records to try out on the speakers as well!

Cool Hand Luke- Wake Up O Sleeper [one of the few "CCM" bands I dig, nice dreamy pop worship-y stuff]

Few Left Standing- Wormwood [long forgotten record by a long forgotten hardcore act, I heard the song "Burn Me to the Ground" on This is Solid State vol. 3 and have wanted this record since. Five years later I finally find a copy, dusty, sitting on the shelf in an old Christian Bookstore. Very nice. These guys would've blown up if it wasn't for the fact that they broke up as this was hitting the shelves. I guess being married and supporting their families was more important than playing in a band! Duh!]

Smashing Pumpkins- Pisces Iscariot [nice selection of b-sides/outtakes/covers from the first few years. Some of these songs are as good as or better than songs that actually made the records, others are fun in their weirdness, and others invoke "What were they thinking?" factor]

Dinner at Teddy's was nice as well. Came home and went on a date with Rach, had fun times getting caught up as it's been about a week, stupid working different hours!

On another note please pray for me, I did something to screw up my foot a few days ago (God knows what) and so every day I wake up with a dull pain that eventually becomes so terrible that I find it difficult to walk. This sucks, as I walk everywhere and my job requires me to stand for 8 hours a day. Anyway, I'm off to bed, early morning tomorrow!

do you still believe?

Argh. No sleep last night at all. I must say that funny as it is, I had a normal bed time for 22 years but after 4 months of working midnights last summer I still haven't been able to regulate my sleeping pattern. Some days I go to bed at 10:00pm, and other days, probably as a combination of my overly thoughtful nature, caffeine on an overly sensitive nervous system, and a burdened spirit... no sleep. I look at my clock at 1am and realize I really need to sleep before my alarm goes off at 4:3oam so I can go to work. Next thing I know, three hours of rumination upon a combination of the biblical precept of tithing, Super Metroid, missing Rachel, and song lyrics forming in my brain, my alarm goes off and I laugh. I am still awake, for almost 36 hours by now and I'm still only partially tired.

My friend Peter really, really wants to start a spazz-thrash band, Slayer meets The Chariot style. He has invited me to do vocals and I will oblige if anything comes of it, but since all my past musical forays have failed I'm not going to get my hopes up. However I am surprised by the ease at which I am writing lyrics, not straight poetry, but actual lyrics that I could fit to music. We'll see how it goes. In any case the band would be called "Whores." and my lyrics are taking the direction of humanity's infidelity with God, so "Whore" is probably the best descriptor. Funny thing is that everyone Peter has asked to be in the band is a Christian, and he is not. Sounds like a good opportunity to me!

And as another note Ashamed is definitely the best Suffering & the Hideous Thieves record...

And uh, I miss Rachel, haven't really seen her for a week minus the 10 minutes spent at her place with Jerry on Wednesday. This rather sucks as our relationship tends to improve both of us. We need some improvin' says I!

On another note I am unfortunately back on the heart meds as well as the thyroid stuff, so 5 pills a day until June 1st then 3 a day. The pills are having a strong effect on me. I guess I never realized how much of a role metabolic hormones play on my personality. I feel calmer, however still easily agitated. If I miss a pill or two or take them irregularly I become flightly, tired and light-headed.... kind of like I want to vomit and sleep at the same time...

Please keep praying over this. I would like a full recovery and would prefer to not take pills for the rest of my life, especially as they do modify my personality (some would say for the better no doubt! lol)

that will be all for now, see yas!