Goodbye, so long, it's been so real...

Listening to: Project 86- Your Heroes Are Dead

Ah, Project 86. I think that they are the only appropriate music to listen to right now.

Tear it down and make it my own.

to the joyful, to the blue

Listening to: gs Megaphone- Reformation

On Tuesday-Thursday I did a study on Spiritual gifts based on 1 Corinthians 12-14. In doing this I realized a few things: the bible is really easy to misinterpret, a lot of believers do not use their spiritual gifts, and I do not read my bible enough. On Friday I read through Acts in one sitting as advised by Jerry. Then I went to work for my 11pm-7am midnight shift. So, at 3:30am, our baker phones us and informs us that she had been puking her guts out all night. So, having baking experience, I start her bake...and proceed to finish it as well. That's right, 11pm-12pm. 13 hours. 1 break. Cool part is, I got out of my shift today so I could go to church. Super Rockin.'

Today I had an argument with Sarah...like, a serious argument in which I very much upset her by saying something I should not have, which led to her crying and walking out of the room. We both realize that we've been consistently overstepping our boundaries, but we just haven't stopped.

I now realize that I have this problem, and it is that I want to date her the exact same amount that I want her to get to know Jesus. Exact same. And frankly, those two desires are totally irreconcilable with each other. Turns out Jerry was right 3 months ago when he told me I'd have to kill one of those desires, and I think you all know which one that is.

In church today Pastor Norm preached about apostasy, from 1 Timothy 4. He made it clear that the only way we can know what is false teaching is by knowing the truth, he asked us to consider personally how much time we'd spent this week studying the bible. He also mentioned how the first century Christians would sit down and read a whole book of the bible, and asked us the when the last time we did that was. I could have felt good knowing that I had done both of those things this week, but the thing is, I don't do it all the time, I was proud about it, and I knew my motivations for reading all that scripture earlier this week was just a thing I was doing to avoid thinking about Sarah, which is completely the wrong motivation. So with or without intending it, Pastor Norm convicted me of my need to read the bible, my hypocrisy and my ugly pride. And that is the spirtual gift of prophecy.

To the joyful to the blue
listen to me once
Let me tell you 'bout my personal
Renaissance.-
Ben Shreve of GS Megapone, "Personal Renaissance."

Thanks for reading. I'm learning to love you.

It's hard to find "It's hard to find a friend"

Listening to: Pedro the Lion- Options (Live on Summer Tour 04) Pedro is quickly becoming my favourite band. It's not for everyone, especially due to some subject matter and colourful language, but this is such edifying music. (Taken at the right frame of mind, of course.) Check out www.pedrothelion.com and www.achilles-heel.net

So, I'm a complete idiot and left my copy of Pedro's "It's hard to find a friend" in Jim's computer. I sent him an e-mail and asked him to mail it to me, so hopefully in two weeks or so I'll be jamming it. Until then I'll rely on the three albums I currently have and the 40+ live songs from the summer tour I have on MP3.

On Sunday I went to church at Riverside with Chris and Sarah. So, I look to my left in the solemnly quiet offering time and notice Christy and Mark, and loudly exclaim, "Dude! It's Christy and Mark! What the crap!" At this EVERYONE turned to stare and the woman in front of Christy said to her in jest, "Well, at least you won't have to introduce yourself..." Oh my. This was kinda embarassing.

After the service I was looking through Christy's MacArthur Study Bible, and she's like, "Yeah, my mom supports his ministry a lot (www.gty.org), and they send her lots of free stuff, so I can get another copy of that easy so you can have it." So just like that she gives me her study bible and I'm like, "Uh...thanks." Having no idea how to respond to her generosity. Anyway, I'm ridiculously grateful, since I've wanted a MacArthur Study Bible for a while, and now I have one. Crazy how these things happen. I'm getting really excited about church again. I hope Mark and Christy, and Chris start coming to Riverside as that would be awesome, cause they are all in between churches and they all have gifts that could be used effectively at Riverside in time. Also, having three more Christians in their 20's for Sarah to hang with is super good. So, I'm as happy as a little boy who was just given a triple layer double-chocolate cake. Mmmm, cake.

Of Minor Prophets and their prostitute wives

Listening to: Pedro the Lion- Bad Diary Days I love Pedro the Lion. And I love Emily Dickinson, who has nothing to do with Pedro the Lion

So, I'm at Jims house, and apparently we're going out for breakfast with his dad. I've been up since 8:30, but Jim's a slacker. Here's the lowdown on my Toronto shopping:

Pedro the Lion- It's Hard to Find a Friend
Pedro the Lion- The Only Reason I Feel Secure
Pedro the Lion- Control
Deliverance- Stay of Execution (Original Issue)
The Prayer Chain- Antartica

That's the CD's. I also got a new journal and a book of selected poems by Emily Dickinson. Rock. Okay Time for breakfast.

I need another day

Listening to: Thousand Foot Krutch- Small Town (Original Version) Hands down, TFK's first record, "That's what people do," (independant, 1998) is their best. I am not much for "rap rock." This album only has three "rap" songs (the three best the band has done actually...) The rest is good pop rock. They re-recorded 4 songs off this record for their second one.

I'm off to Jim's at 4:00am, for some good old-fashioned fun times. I've been listening to too many sappy love songs lately, and have been a bit too introspective. I'm looking forward to mindless fun. Rock on, see you next week.

Today I will ruminate
I will sit at the coffee table and wait
for the bomb to drop
Like everyone else
Waiting patiently

We're all just waiting for you to snap
I'm holding on so tight

They're all waiting for you to throw it all away
I'm waiting for the return of your innocence
For the ending of this ride
I think I'll press the button and watch you explode
Impatiently

Chained to this table and chained to you
Look in my eyes,
Do you see redemption or the demon
I want you to know what's in my heart.

A bad poem

I'm gonna write a bad poem for you
So you can see how I feel
But it will be filled with poor word choice
pseudo-cryptic rantings and cliches
So that you won't understand
What I'm trying to say.

Oh my dear
I wish I could sing out
Under the night sky
And hold your hand til daylight
We could stare
into each others eyes,
mouthing the words
But this life is as short
as a breath
We are cornered like animals
by death
So my dear, you will never understand
You will never realize
that I am so confused
I will never be able to say
how much I love you

Then I will publish the poem
so everyone can read it
They will all see how I feel so pathetic
Like a sixteen-year-old boy

come back in time

Listening to: Blindside- Pitiful

I got my textbooks for English 205, and I'm (apparently) a bad poet. Hmmm... Some learning is indeed in order.

Church was wonderful today I went with Mark and Ellen, Heather and Sarah came too. I think I will continue attending Riverside, as the preaching is challenging and I could very well be useful there, in terms of Youth Ministry. (They have no Junior High group leader, and that is what I have experience in. Wow. I just realized that I can type while barely looking at the keyboard. That was random.

Had good chat with Jerry last night. Well, it was kind of me ranting as he didn't have much to say. I need to rant every once ad a while.

I had a long paragraph written here about my current dilemma, but realized that it was inappropriate to post on the internet and erased it.

...and the seagulls overhead

Listening to: Pedro the Lion- Options Okay. It's settled. Control is a classic record.

Oh my goodness. So, I'm all at work and stuff, it's 7:30 and I'm all like "I'm glad I'm going home soon." AND THEN: A bus with 100+ people came in. AND THEN: All the carneys from the Ex came in. AND THEN: An entire soccer team came in.

So at about this time I realized that I would never go home again. Ever. Okay, maybe that's too much, but I did have to work two hours overtime. That's 10 hours kids. Ick.

I'm so freaking tired.

Love Hurts

Listening to: Our Lady Peace- Do You Like It?

I used to be a legalist.

You see. There was a time in my life, not too long ago actually, when I thought that the Christian life was somewhat of an intellectual endeavour. I never wanted to be a Christian, I still hate that word. The only reason I am a Christian is because my logical thinking patterns could not ignore the fact that God made enough sense that I had to believe in Him. Of course, only just enough sense.

There was a time when I thought that the most important thing I could do would be to win an intellectual battle with some one so that they would pray "Lord Jesus, I'm such an asshole, please forgive me for screwing everything up so much. Oh yeah, forgive me for just saying 'ass' cause it's a bad witness."

Of course, I'm being purposely sarcastic here.

I don't understand myself really. I used to hate God, and "evangelical Christianity," but now at times, I feel like a salesman for God. It's like "You need God. You're a sinner. You suck. You need to pray and change yourself." except I myself don't use the product I'm selling enough.

It's not about selling God. I think he can sell himself. (Actually...he just gives himself away.)

I'm selfish, that's really all it is. I do the things I like to do. I like to swear, and get drunk. I like to look and women who are not wearing clothes. I like to do all that stuff. And I like to do it more than I like to love my neighbour. Love my neighbour as myself? My neighbour gets in the way of my pleasure. (Unless of course, my neighbour is a hot girl who offers to remove her clothing for me.)

I think my problem is that instead of asking God to give me love I attempt ot discipline myself. That is impossible. I am too selfish to stop doing the things I love, even though the things I love ultimately destroy me. What I need is to love the things God loves.

If I love my neighbour, it's not about getting them to say a prayer and come to church, in order to feel a victory. It's about caring for them listening to them praying for then (which, by the way, I won't do unless I love them.)

I think I love Sarah. And don't mean this in the "I want to break Sarah up with her boyfriend and date her" way.

It's that...I actually care about her in general. I care about her life. I want her to go to heaven, but it's not my goal to hear her say a prayer, and become all disciplined and serious...I want her to be Jesus' friend. Chat it up with him Go out with him for a pint (or a coffee, as she doesn't like beer). I want her to realize that the reason she is insecure, the reason all her relationships do not satisfy, is because humanity is broken, and we need to be fixed. I want her to want Jesus to fix her, and I want her to realize he asks nothing in return, cause there's nothing we can give him, except our broken hearts for him to fix. And I need to show her how to love God. I need to love God. I want Jesus to be my friend, my heart fixer. I want to love Jesus more than me. And I want to be able to say and mean, that I want everyone to be Jesus' friend in the same way that I want Sarah to be Jesus' friend.

Forgive me for not loving you more than I love me.

Now I start where the last chapter ended

Listening to: Project 86- Chapter 2 I long for the beginning of chapter 2:

I officially broke into someone's house this weekend. Yep. Climbed up the wall, scaling their house...jumped onto their second floor balcony...sneaked into their room...then went downstairs and opened the door and let them in. Sarah was locked out.

Oh, by the way, Sarah was around this weekend.

I must give thanks to Jordan, who helped me scale the wall.

I went to church with the Steven's yesterday, and after a month and a half, it was much refreshing...and convicting.

"So. I need some time to reflect. I think I might go away by myself for a while."
"Um...okay. Uh. Thanks. Thanks for helping me to see the change that God has made in my heart. Thanks for being positive and uplifting..."
"You're welcome."
"So this is the end of the first chapter. I long for the beginning of chapter 2."
"Thanks, you always know how to end things right."

Chapter 2:

Again, this time

Listening to: Our Lady Peace- In Repair

So I was at my friend Leah's site:(http://www.livejournal.com/users/readingroses/) and she had this survey up...so I thought I'd involve myself in some mindless drivel and take it myself...

Last Cigarette: About three years ago I took one puff off my friend Cole's smoke, during a time of emotional instability. PS: Don't smoke.
Last Alcoholic Drink: Uh...two weeks ago at my trailer. A beer.
Last Car Ride: Last night with Katherine.
Last Kiss:The last kiss on the lips...Um...sometime in 2001 with Andrea. Last kiss that mattered? I kissed Rochelle on the top of her head before she went to Equador on a missions trip.
Last Good Cry: A long time ago
Last Library Book: "Heavy Metal: The Music and its culture"...by some sociologist in Pennsylvania
Last book bought: A New International Version Gift Bible that I gave to Sarah
Last Book Read: Last book completed..."Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. I'm currently reading "Four Pillars of A Man's Heart" by Stu Webber and the Bible.
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: I think it was "The Passion of the Christ"
Last Movie Rented: "Bowling for Columbine" by Michael Moore
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Hate to admit it, but probably the "F" word while mad at my computer...
Last Beverage Drank: A glass of milk
Last Food Consumed: Eggs and Toast...and Oreos...
Last Crush: Does "current" count as "Last..." Let's not get into this, okay? If you're tight you already know anyway...
Last Phone Call: Last night with Katherine. I tried to phone Brodie, Chris and Mark this morning...none of them answered.
Last TV Show Watched: I don't really watch TV
Last Time Showered: Two weeks ago at my trailer (by the way, I have a bath everyday.)
Last Shoes Worn: My Doc Marten's boots
Last CD Played: How 'bout...the last few I remember: OLP- Spiritual Machines, Anthrax- Volume 8:The Threat is Real!, Mars ILL- backbreakanomics, Sarah's compilation she made me, Zao- The Funeral of God, Further Seems Forever- How to Start a Fire
Last Item Bought:OLP- Spiritual Machines
Last Download: Some songs by Suffering and the Hideous Thieves
Last Annoyance: Falling short...
Last Disappointment: see above
Last Soda Drank: Last night... a pepsi (ick) This quiz is so USA
Last Thing Written: My last blog...and that was a poem written a week ago
Last Key Used: ctrl+I (space) Bracket, ,b,r,a,c,k,e,t,,
Last Words Spoken: I sang along with "In Repair"
Last Sleep: Last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Don't remember
Last Chair Sat In: Breakfast chair. Computer chair.
Last Webpage Visited: dictionary.com to look to look up the proper spelling of "Pennsylvania...," Leah's blog.

Apologies for this already.

To my beloved

Listening to: Our Lady Peace- "Spiritual Machines" album This is prolly OLP's most pure, uncontrived album, since they wrote and recorded it super fast. I also love the concept. I'm a sucker for concept records. So beautiful.

These crossroads
Your vindicated smile
I swear to God
When you wrap your arms around me and
Nail me to this wall
Yeah, you'll feel it pierce your soul, too

But I'm too selfish to care
I'd starve to death
'Cause I'm too proud to beg

Do you want to see my heart,
Feel who I really am
I burned this child's eyes
Just to feel the pain again

I'm too damn selfish to care
I'm starving 'cause I will not beg

But I'd beg you for you for your heart and eat it cold
Just to feel what it's like to miss you
'Cause you've never left my side since the day I met you

So don't cry for me, beloved
I am just a man
Don't hold your breath
It will leave you dead

Open your eyes, dear child
Hold your hands to the sky
'Cause we won't see his kingdom coming
'Til we feel our bodies rot

And you'll find you just found your way back home

Listening to: Anthrax- Big Fat So. A story behind this album (Volume 8- The Threat is Real!) ...I got it the week before I became a Christian. About two weeks after that I got rid of all my albums, thinking non-Christian stuff to be "evil." This however, had quickly become one of my favourite albums. Anyway, for a long time I made it a symbol of my pre-Christian life and never bought it again, though I listened to it every time I walked into Chumleigh's and it was there. Recently I've been realizing that since we are all made in God's image, eeveryone can make vaild and beautiful art, not just Christians (duh.) I also realize that seeing viewpoints that may not match mime is challenging. So, I saw this album at Cash Converters for $2 in mint condition. So I bought it. I don't think God's gonna care to much if I spin Anthrax every once and a while.

Uh. Sorry no post for a while. I'm gonna be honest right now. Most of the stuff I've been thinking recently is way to personal for me to ever post it online for the world to see. After all, if me and you are super tight you already know...or should e-mail me or get together with me and we'll chat. Other than that not much to say.

Um August 19-21 I'm off to Whitby to visit Jimothy. (Coincidentally, the last time I visited him was also the week before I became a Christian.)

Sarah's away for two weeks. Leaving me...well...kinda lonely...but kinda relieved too.

I'm a gonna rock. You should too.