sushi

I officially like sushi. I went to Matsu Sushi today with Shannon Culkeen, a very-bearded Chris Jardin and Rick. Sushi is good.

They have this rice liquor called Sake; imagine warm rice-flavoured vodka. Really strong stuff... but it does create entertaining faces.

I'm working tomorrow. How's that for New Year's. I don't even really know why people celebrate it anyway.

love is a weapon (if you got good aim)

and yes, I know that the grammar of the title is horrendous.

Tonight was Zao with Jer and Tedd. Much metal action.

Last night I was having a bath and listening to the song "The Rising End (The First Prophecy)," and as much as I was trying to wash, I had to stop for furious bouts of headbanging.

None of you probably wanted to read that.

yeah, sorry.

I think I'll go now.

Hi. My name is Lex.

Don't ask. Really.

Jerry, Teddy Hucks and myself are going to have the Zao party to end all Zao parties. The whole dvd... every live sonf, the whole documentary and all the deleted scenes and bonus features.... all in one shot. One massive mound of metal magic. (Dig the alliteration).

My goal over the next week is to translate about a thousand lines of Beowulf and to get together with all my friends.

Yeah, right.

Torment

Oh! Have you come to torment me?
"No, I have come to bleed."

The obligatory list of Christmas l00t (And other important details)

Teh Annotated list of Phat Christmas Lewt:
And if you don't care about the above, please skip to the bottom of the entry for writing with substance.

CDs / DVDs:
1. Danielson Famile- Tri-Danielson!!! (Omega)
2. Further Seems Forever- The Moon is Down [Oh Yay!]
3. Jars of Clay- Who We Are Instead
4. Sixteen Horsepower- Low Estate [Double Yay!]
5. Twothirtyeight- Regulate the Chemicals
6. Derek Webb- She Must and Shall Go Free [I blame Todd Anderson]
7. Zao- The Lesser Lights of Heaven (DVD) [SO AWESOME... Jer... You + me = 7 hour marathon]

Books:
1. Craig Thompson, Blankets [Probably my favourite Graphic Novel ever: Teen love, awesome music, childhood trauma, making out and fundamentalist Christianity all in a 600 page package]

Clothing:
1. "Human Heart" T-Shirt [It's a medical diagram]
2. "Jesus Loves Me and My Tattoos" T-Shirt
3. Johnny Cash "At San Quentin" T-Shirt
4. Guess "Rebel" Jeans [on sale for 1/2 price]
5. Black Polarfleece Blanket
6. Various Socks

Other / Accessories:
1. Studded leather belt
2. "Target" Belt Buckle [Aim here! It hurts!]
3. Photo and frame of Dad and I [In which I look SO heavy metal]
4. "Hummer" Cologne [Smells SO Good]
5. Catholic Cross Necklace with some Saint on it
6. Various gift certificates / cash

I could (and probably should) go into at least some detail about what it is like living with a man, my father, whom I don't really know at all, for 4 days. Certainly it was emotionally taxing and rewarding as well. Baby steps became clumsy toddler steps and we fell down for sure but got back up again.

More detail would be too personal on a public forum that I mistakenly refer to as a journal, but chances are you may be privy to more of my emotional rantings and details in person at a later date.

And now it's time for Math Lessons with Noah:

Jerry: You + Me = Zao Marathon
Amber: You + Me = Coffee
Katherine: You + Me = Talking Marathon
Meaghan: You + Me = Matt Good Day
Shannon: You + Me = Coffee / music / tea / whatever
Natalie: You + Me = Tea and our general long talks
Erin: You + Me = Adventures in Tattooing

And I just realized that most my friends are girls. Fancy that.

I'm Home.

I'm back from Toronto now.

You may commence the senseless beating.
(But only if you really want to).

More to come.

3 Cheers for Freezing Rain

It is so gross out today. So the hot water pipe at my store burst today at 2:30 am. Just try to work in a restaurant without water. I dare you. That, and due to my 5:30am to 11:00pm "Christmas season" Marathon everyday this week, and I'm tired as I've ever been, my whole body hurts, and I would like to remove my legs below the knees.

"Hey Michael [ed: the owner's son in law], Wanna kick me in the shin so I can go home?"
"No."
"Ah, darn."

On the bright side, I decided to upgrade my copy of Matt Good's In a Coma to the "deluxe" edition, which includes an extra cd of acoustic songs and b-sides, and a dvd that includes every Matt Good video ever made (including an exclusive animated video for the song "While We Were Hunting Rabbits," which James Provost's girlfriend Sarah worked on. She also got to meet him. Lucky, lucky).

It's not that I haven't been writing poetry; it's just that I haven't posted it.

This will most likely be my last post before I go away to Toronto for 4 days.

By the way, if anyone is looking for a copy of the single disc version of In a Coma, give me a ring. I won't even make you pay for it. (That means free. Yes, free.)

\m/ >_< \m/ < (I AM SO METAL!)

Listening to: No Innocent Victim- Where's Your Heart

Jerry has decided to provoke the "Metal" in me this Christmas, by giving me the following:

1. The Chariot, Unsung EP
(Chaotic Hardcore, with 2 new songs and 4 re-creations)

2. No Innocent Victim, To Burn Again
(Classic Spirit-Filled Hardcore band reformed to convict us all over again. With song titles like "Paid in Full" and "Set Apart" we know quite well what these gentlemen are all about. Nice to hear some Dave Quiggle guitar again).

And now that he has it, I'll tell you all that I got him the books We Caught You Plotting Murder and Do Not Disturb by his favourite singer / writer Andrew Schwab.

Anyway, I work tomorrow and go to my Dad's house on Saturday. Only 3 more sleeps til the real Christmas, but I think I'm already doing well.

[Bangs head furiously]

plaid pants and granny sweaters

I am going to have dinner with Laura tonight.

This week is the "get- caught- up- with- everyone- who- doesn't- go- to- Trent- week." That's mighty cool.

I'll be going to Toronto on Saturday. I have the strangest urge to buy plaid pants.

Granny sweaters are hot. Nothing says purity and modestly like a granny sweater. I think that girls who wear granny sweaters and carry bibles around are the hottest girls ever.

Anyway, that was random. Bye.

...came then

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is a pretty stellar movie. The Christian symbolism from the books is fully intact and they didn't screw with the story. My only complaint is that sometimes it looks like a kids' version of The Lord of the Rings.

Hanging out with friends, movies, and pizza. Nothing beats it. Especially after all my work is done.

(Apologies to those still... studying...)

and then...

Tonight I'm going to go see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe with Chris Smith and Kyle "Freshly tattooed" Young. After we're going to watch The Muppet's Christmas Carol, a firm Christmas tradition. We'll most likely drink some Guiness as well. Yum.

Christmas time is cheery.

dotdotdot

It's all in the elipsis
The words that I won't say...

A proper follow-up

Tea with Megs was good.
Much spilling of guts.

(I'll save this one for later...)

Ellen makes the best gravy on the planet

its true. She does. Its like, so perfect every time. So perfect. And I just really like gravy to begin with, so it makes all the more betterer. (I did that on purpose).

Last night was a fun dinner. Apparently my friends are insane. I guess it takes an "outsider" to see that... I love them. They're not all bad, perhaps a bit rough around the edges, but its endearing...

It was an interesting ride homw with seven people in Steve's car that comfortably sits four. It was pretty cosy. But since everyone fell asleep I don't think they minded at all.

I'm going to buy Mark and Ellen a Christmas present and write them a long letter thanking them for years of being the best mentors I've ever had.

I'm going to go over tp Meaghan's for tea. We'll talk about many things. I think I'll rant a while. That's what I do, right?

'Tis the Season

As Christmas fast approaches things become more Christmas-y

Last night Natalie and I went out for some "hot beverages," and it was... very nice.

Tonight is the "Young Adults" annual Christmas Dinner at the Stephens' house. Natalie is coming to that with me and that also promises to be very nice.

I still need to buy Mark & Ellen their Christmas present before tonight. At the end of next week I'm going to my Dad's in Toronto for Dec 24-27, and that also promises to be very nice. I guess that Christmas is the season for very nice things to happen.

I am now done all my exams and sessays. And there was much rejoicing *Yay*

Mark Stephen preached today on "giving," based on Malachi chapter 3:6-12, and it was highly convicting. I've never had a problem giving money, but I am now challenged to give more of my time and energy to God.

See you later.

we're heir to it all

The pink pills are for your sanity.

I think we stand in God's way too much.
I think we should move.

Thank you for reading.

Have a nice day,

NS

The glow

insert a prayer
feel the glow

insert a

invert a choir
hear the crow

invert a

infer answer
now lie low

infer
insert
invert

Strange Dreams (and rekindling of past loves)

Listening to: Matthew Good- We're So Heavy

Taking a cue from Amber, I had the craziest dream last night. Here it is:

I'm on the Trent Express, which for some reason, now has a stop just outside the hospital. At that stop over a hundred people get out. There's this Indian girl sitting beside me (who looks strangely familiar to the Indian girl I saw at Dreams and Beans on Tuesday night), and she sees that I am reading T. S. Eliot's Collected Poems (which I was also doing on Tuesday night). She tells me that T. S. Eliot is her favouite author, and asks if she can read "The Hollow Men." However, my book decides to act like a cd that is all scratched up, and every time I turn to the right page if flips itself ten pages later. Gah! Anyway, the Indian girl and I start to flirt pretty explicitly (but nothing inappropriate people, I did say "flirt" and not "make-out") and then...

My mom wakes me up and informs me that I have 10 minutes to get to work. Gah!
Oh well, I have a feeling that its good my dream was interrupted...

I've been listening to tons of Matt Good lately, and remembering why he was my favourite musician in grade 10. I think he's a schizophrenic. His first solo album, Avalanche, was all sorts of long, pretty ballads with an orchestra and choral vocals. His next album, White Light Rock & Roll Review is all loud rock songs. Its really funny listening to them back-to-back. Oh well, at least he refuses to stick to one formula.

Insert a prayer.
Feel the glow.

Clearing the temple

It would take a long time to purge
the idols from my home, the ones
that line the walls and cling to the floor,
screaming at me when I sleep.

It will take a long time to crawl
back to you, with open hands and
bloodshot eyes, the ones that once
read convicting words, but now sleep.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I AM GOING TO KEEP YELLING BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO NOT USE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON ON MY KEYBOARD!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fragment

This is so weird and cynical like

cotton candy on the cement in the sun like
a melted pool of chocolate with nuts all around like

fragmented expletives showing your character like
a televison set loaded with stacked actors like

your living room with popcorn on the carpet like
that sweater that I purposely forgot in your closet like

a name on the lips of a dying man like
the man that says we gonna "share the land" like

a frozen dinner every night like
sharp words at the end of a fight like

a skull filled with emptiness like
your heart that you think is blessed.

Will the real sessay writer please stand up?

Its the return of the"No wait, he didn't... He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Noah Salo sez: "I tso finished my sessay, and man I hope I get an 'A' "

This post brought to you by writing a 2500 word essay in four hours, Eminem, and the letters "T," "S," and "O."

A Sign

Ever feel wasted? Ever feel down and out? Ever feel like tomorrow would kill you?
Darling, I wanna see miracles, I wanna see your face light up the sky.
I wanna hear different languages and see the dead men rise.

Ever feel tired? Ever feel like caving in? Ever feel like everything you've ever done is wasted?
Darling, I want to love you and I want you to love me; I want you to know that I care.
It's not all that complicated it starts with a word and with being aware.

Ever feel like crying, like falling, like dying?
Ever seen the wicked generation prying?

They say the wicked generation seeks a sign.
Well, I'll admit it, I'm wicked. I'm terrible, and I'm sick.

"You ask for a sign son; this is what you'll see:
The Son of Man lifted up on a tree.

You wanna see a sign son, well this one's for you and me:
The world's an illusion, and truth is beyond what you see."

By My Side

Gain the world and lose yourself
by my side, dirt-stained face.
She haunts you in the daylight
she can't hear you speak.

Hold onto it, "here is hope"
and a painless twenty dollar bill.
She haunts you in the evening
and she don't know you think.

Gain the world and lose yourself
by my side, your gesture's empty;
crumpled for a year in your backpack.

To her,
I'm sorry that I didn't love you enough to care for your well-being. In a way you saved my life, thank you.

One of those survey things

Steve Bremner asked me to fill this out. Here you go.

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Go on a long term missions trip
2. Lead people to Christ
3. Get married
4. Have kids
5. Adopt a kid from a foreign country
6. Have one of my poems published in a reputable Journal
7. Teach people

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Snap my fingers
2. Write an essay more than 2 days before it is due
3. Show up to my Modern Poetry lecture on time
4. Live up to God's expectations of me
5. Listen to Britney Spears for more than 5 minutes
6. Believe in doctrines that are not in the Bible
7. Eat Tim Horton's Shepherd's Pie

Things that attract me to the opposite gender:
1. Attractiveness
2. Godliness
3. Knowledge of God
4. Sense of humour (brutal sarcasm)
5. Ability to put up with my eccentricities
6. Loves poetry
7. Stands up for the truth.

Seven things I say most often:
1. "Would you like to know a secret? It's soooo good to hear it!"
2. [sings] "Hands in my pockets! Hands in my pockets! Hands in my pockets!"
3. "Hello, welcome to Tim Horton's, how can we help you?"
4. "Will that be everything?"
5. "Sucks to your Ass-mar!"
6. [insert random Aaron Weiss quotation here]
7. "he-he-he-he-he" [ominous laughter]

Seven books (or authors) I love:
1. The Bible, by God
2. Spring and All, by William Carlos Williams
3. Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller
4. Mere Christianity, by C. S. Lewis
5. Collected Poems 1909-1962, by T. S. Eliot
6. Riddley Walker, by Russell Hoban
7. Oxford English Dictionary (I'm serious!)

Seven movies I would watch over and over again:
1. Star Wars Trilogy (The old one)
2. Drop Dead Fred
3. Forrest Gump
4. Back to the Future Trilogy
5. Bowling for Columbine
6. Terminator II: Judgement Day
7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Seven CD's I couldn't part with:
1. Pedro the Lion- Control
2. 16 Horsepower- Folklore
3. Tourniquet- Microscopic View of a Telescopic Realm
4. Suffering and the Hideous Thieves- Rats in Heaven
5. Project 86-Songs to Burn Your Bridges By
6. Further Seems Forever- How to Start a Fire
7. mewithoutYou- Catch For Us the Foxes

Seven favorite worship songs/hymns:
1. Blessed Be Your Name
2. In Christ Alone
3. He Reigns
4. Angels Fall Down (By Skillet)
5. Holiness
6. Nothing But the Blood of Jesus
7. There is a Fountain Filled With Blood

in a coma

I've got a secret to tell you:

When I was in grade 11 I obsessively listened to Matthew Good's Beautiful Midnight for at least two hours every day. I made a storyline for the album in my head. For some reason his words were always so powerful and poetic.

If heaven's for clean people its vacant

When I became a Christian I sold all of my non-Christian cds because I thought there was absolutely nothing of value written by people who don't know Jesus. Apparently I didn't pay attention to the above lyric. We are all dirty. God will be continually scraping the dirt off of me til I'm in heaven with him.

Anyway, I have casually followed Matt Good's career since without buying any of his records because I was still misguided and I dodn't like his love of four-letter words. Now I think that swearing can be effective at times.

Today I found Matt's best of album In a Coma: 1995-2005 at The Disc Depot downtown. I could not pass that up.

There's a couple new songs on it, and one of them has very intriguing lyrics. Here they are, be warned, it contains swear words:

"Oh Be Joyful"

Here I go
Pop my skull ready to lose control
Cruising slow
Live your life outside the life you know

Oh be Joyful!
Cause that s*** spreads

Here we go
Pop your skull -- off the air, lose control
Get up and go
Five fingers, one of them lets you know

Oh be Joyful!
Cause that s*** spreads

Just like that.

I find this song intriguing because it reminds me of all the Christian youth group rallies I've ever been to. For the uninitiated, a"Youth Rally" is when you take a bunch of so-called "Christian" (some sincere of course) youth, and all their non-Christian friends that they're trying to convert, and put them together in a room and play games and get emotional, and well, "be joyful! Cause that s*** spreads."

Worship music is played. Loud rock. So joyful. Do you get it? Do you understand God? Do you love him? Or do you just want to jump up and down and sing a song to feel good about yourself?

Worship is about Jesus, not us. A rally should be about Jesus too.

Rallies aren't bad. I recently went to a the Canadian national Promise Keepers rally. It was awesome. And some of my best experiences with God have been at youth rallies. However as a cynical older person, I can see now that the glitz and appeals to be so cool and fun dumbs down God.

One of my friends who appeared the most joyful and passionate of anyone at these events is now living a life of sin, getting drunk, having sex, and pissing her life away.

Oh be joyful.

In a world called catastrophe
My native tongue is blasphemy
So that's the one I'll write.

I cried at youth rallies. I sat in the corner by myself and wept. I felt God... his conviction. I felt like everything I had ever done and said was bull... that I needed to repent of my existence. I did need to. I still do. Without Christ I'm a useless piece of garbage.

I was not joyful. That was my sin. It still is, I stifle the Lord's joy. His joy is greater than all my clever complaining and sinful desires. I need to be joyful. With real joy.

I want it to spread, but not in the cynical way described by Mr. Good, but because people see Christ in me.

Now Christmas is for shopping
and the shopping God is everything

All verse in italics by Matt Good

Ode to My Pants

Hollister, November 2004- December 2005.

These pants have breathed their last;
now ripped upon the ass.
Below my wallet, a gaping tear
exposing by black underwear
for all to see;
embarassing to me.

These pants are gone with all they symbolize;
proving to me that sometimes love will die,
but I will get a new pair of pants
and wear them a lot, just like the last.

The Legend Continues...

I tso finished my sessay!
I tso finished my Hamelt sessay!
yay!

When I was your age...

I watched Dawson's Creek today in an attempt to be reflective on my past. Unfortunately it was one of the latter episodes in a season that I originally did not watch.

(Yes, I used to watch Dawson's Creek. I know that makes me a loser. It's just that I could relate so well...)

The episode dealt with the idea of changing the past (thus helping me with being reflective) and one of the characters decided that instead of looking at the past and seeing what could have happened, she will look to the furture at what can happen. Wise indeed.

So, as I brave the incomprehensible mess that we call human interpersonal peer bonding, I will atteempt to not dwell on previous mistakes, but look onward in anticipation of the wonderful and not so wonderful things to come.

(And yes, I was attempting to sound like Dawson there.)

I'm a loser.

The longest winter is on her way

Listening to: Pedro the Lion- The Longest Winter I love Pedro the Lion. I think I have come to the conclusion that my three favourite musical artists are: Dave Bazan (Pedro the Lion, Headphones, The Soft Drugs), David Eugene Edwards (16 Horsepower, Wovenhand) and Jeff Suffering (Suffering and the Hideous Thieves, Ninety Pound Wuss, Raft of Dead Monkeys).

So I think I may actually have a handle on my Shakespeare essay... and I believe I will accept the extension so graciously offered by my Early Romantics professor, Orm Mitchell (the son of W. O. Mitchell), on my Coleridge and Blake essay. And after all that, methinks that things will be going alright.

Tonight is the last TCF "Church in the Caf" before the Christmas break, and I'm definitely planning on attending now that I know I'm not screwed for my Shakespeare essay. It appears that as long as I actually can develop a thesis, I will be at least somewhat motivated to write the essay. Then again I really don't like Shakespeare, but I will get this done tomorrow and then celebrate extensively.

Wow. I actually made a post about my life that wasn't contrived. Are you proud of me?

The brighter side of the road that leads to Hell

I could've sworn I loved you
when I was a young man
and my head was on fire.

But now that I am older
and your face is all blurred
I think that you're a liar.

this could be the title.

yes, I am trying to hurt you.

It appears as though I haven't said anything to you recently. At least, not anything obvious, the general how I beens or things are greats. I think I may have forgotten how to talk about things things that are straightforward, possibly banal, but normal, the everyday life. You know, how each morning I get out of bed and read from the book of Isaiah then get on my knees and pray. Except of course for today, because I didn't do either of those things this morning even though I should have. Or how after that I wash my hair, comb it down over my forehead and then wipe it with a towel to give the appearance of a messy windblown look, which is of course entirely premeditated.

yes, I am an atom bomb.

Or how I go to school every single day and read poetry by dead people that changes the way I look at the world, yet leaves me completely void of edification or any idea of what I can do to make it better. God says that I'm supposed to seek justice and that he doesn't give a crap about all the stupid songs that I sing or all those stupid words that I pray so sometimes I wonder why it is that I sing songs, or why it is that I pray; and that's when I remember that the reason why I do both of those things is because God tells me I'm supposed to. Its funny that God doesn't care.

I think that I might shatter
into infinite shards of stained glass
church windows
to press against your arteries and
make you remember.

I sometimes don't think that God really cares. Maybe its that he just doesn't care very much. Well, at least he cares about the things he is supposed to care about (if "supposed to" has anything to do with an omnipotent God). Or maybe he just cares about all the things that I don't think I like to care about and he doesn't care about the things that I know I like to think I care about. But so it goes I guess.

yes, I remember the words you said,

The idea of seeking justice confounds me, how am I supposed to accomplish anything when even those that I am seeking to help don't

Justice is a funny thing. I mean, weren't we all just a bunch of gasses and chemicals according to what you'd like to believe and apparently we
all have value and are important in the grand scheme of the infinite universe in which we are grains of sand. You say you see the world in a grain of sand. I see a useless pile of energy consuming waste producing matter.
Humanity is worthless and everyone on this planet should just die. Especially you.

I remember hearing "love" in there somewhere.

So this is the attempt at discussing those things that you ask when you say "how are you?" those things in the morning when I'm brushing my teeth and I wonder if anyone else ever thinks the things that I do,

never meant to
sever
your arteries with my tongue

but,
sometimes you need to

bleed.