The Cure for pain is in the pain

So its there that you'll find me.

I've been listening to The Cure a lot lately. I got into them because Stavesacre covered their song Fascination Street and I dug it a lot. Listening to it now I've noticed the song is pretty disturbing with a lot of (what can be seen as) sexual references. Anyway, I like to look at the the song as a discussion of what the sinful nature says to the Spirit. Rape is probably the best analogy for that. Also, the title "Fascination Street" may imply prostitution, which could be a valid reading of the lyrics. Anyway, the song certainly doesn't seem to be promoting promiscuous sex or prostitution as much as it is just talking about them.

Anyway, their song A Letter to Elise is one of the most cathartic songs ever.

Thanks Amber and Josh. Wise people.

My life has kind of spun out of emotional control recently and I seem to be swinging from wanting to cry bitterly and wanting to break things within seconds. But I tend to overreact to everything so it will be okay.

So if I've been a bit short with you I apologize, I will strive to not let the devil steal my joy.

And I guess that's what this is all about isn't it? God wants us to be joyful and to be comforted in our times of struggle and the devil wants us to focus on the crappy things so we feel like garbage.

Let us not forget the God we serve...

¹Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
²Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and cry to her
that her warfare is ended,
that her iniquity is pardoned,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

³A voice cries:
"In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
⁴Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
⁵And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

⁶A voice says, "Cry!"
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
⁷The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the LORD blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
⁸The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.

⁹Get you up to a high mountain,
O Zion, herald of good news;
lift up your voice with strength,
O Jerusalem, herald of good news;
lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
"Behold your God!"

(Isaiah 40:1-9, ESV)

Keeping in mind that "Jerusalem" and "The Sons of Judah" are euphemisms for the people of God. Us.

Behold our God indeed.

Sacred

Sourcebook.
I said it.

...

November is the cruellest of months
the farmer sits and contemplates that
His life has no purpose
when the
crops have all been
harvested.
When it is indeed so cold that I (And By "I" I Mean You_)
can see the warmth escaping from my breath
and I cannot feel my extremities
for the Cold.
This is the magic. This is the song...
...

its like when you get that look in your eyes that says you're going to break my heart
in Exactly
One Point Five
seconds. (It never goes away, you know.)
AND BY YOU I MEAN "I."
AND you didn't have to say won word.

...

You're tyming is so perfect. I was about to move
on and this is
One Point Five Years replaced in
SIXTY-four days and fourteen hours and twentysix minutes
And an infinitude of seconds
I AM who fill {___}

I'll (AND BY "i" I mean all of us)
get over this frustration AND I HOPE you are VERY happy,
Love,
Knocking off my feet in cement galoshes
see.
Love,

...

all my flirtations with idealism have led me (read:us) to despair so I have decided to become a pessimist too.
"and if things go well we can rejoice," Jane said.
HOORAY!
"I've had my share of disappointments in my life"

Who fill infinitude
I AM
the cruellest
of month
I AM

...

stations- take notes
text- 20's. clang
bang sang.

---BRILLIANT CLASS.

singing songs I speak in
circles in
circles in circles in
circles
in circles in
circles
of the meaningless
again.

...and throw it all away. My

infinitude
fill
who. I AM
of
cold the cruellest
of months November
is

Stealing the Fire

An open letter to Prometheus:

When Zeus looks down into your eyes
He'll seal your fate, and all your fame,
If you're going to steal the fire
You'll have to touch the flame.

Was it one year or one second?

Moving away from this page (Grammatically correct)

Number finally Moral times movie today university purpose creation wisdom of there, Nero memorial help council. “Colorless green ideas sleep furiously,” mumbled big flat silly putty of filthy rotting. In debt, for and my grandma dog’s forty. Shining elephant rocking on eating and a horse. Correct and but the grammar eats dog cat’s bourgeoisie nightmare. Talking about and um golly poor killer poof magic falling Oedipus mucks. Dull broken edified exuberance, beating like broken busy computer gods.

Eating kick dictionary’s broken grammar sulking mud.

Talks of Wycliffe

Today I got together with Roy Tibbet, who is a retired missionary and part of Wycliffe Bible Translators.

We talked about a lot of things, from his history as a missionary to marriage and our shared love of poetry (turns out he's a fan of Eliot too!)

I could probably mention a lot of things, but there was one main point that stood out for me (other than the fact that Roy's close friends include Ravi Zacharias and the late Eugene Nada) and that was when we were discussing marriage.

He asked "what kind of girl do you want to marry?"

And I said, "Someone who has the same passions as me. Someone that is passionate about theology, missions and reaching people. Someone who won't get bored of me talking about passive imperatives... because I like talking about passive imperatives... and hopefully someone who likes the same lesser things as me, such as music and poetry." (Insert brief tangent about T. S. Eliot here).

He responded with a very wise comment... something that I already know, but took me almost 22 years to figure out but he had it pegged within an hour of meeting me.

"You'll have to find someone who's less intense than you. Your intensity is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness."

Wow. I love old wise Christians (and I say "old" reverently).

Anyway, I now have a bunch of great info in CanIL, including a dvd I'll have to watch soon.

Today the message that I gave in the "kids' story" was the same theme as Pastor Norm's sermon, and we didn't know beforehand what eadh other was speaking about. I can't count how many people said "Good planning" to me. Ah, but I didn't make the plan! Praise God for his providence.

I am feeling a deeper commitment to the Lord recently. I just need to make sure the becomes feeling becomes knowledge and action.

Onward.

t.s. eliot, starbucks and profound experiences of worship

went to chapter's to find the collected poems of t.s. eliot 1909-1962. got a ride from my parents arrived an hour too early, went to starbucks had a tall
black
bold
coffee and a low fat blueberry muffin and i see the people coming in with their tired old routine. they move me

oh God, you're glorious
so profoundly glorious.
these people oh, they do not know you please touch them
save them from searching for what they'll never find without your Spirit

young family comes in two boys in their pajamas
spiderman
and baby blue with little animals

"your son seems fascinated by me"
keeps offering me his chocolate covered cookie and rubbing it all over his face
and his eyes are just like his daddy's one's so innocent and the other weathered thinking about if he's a good father
if his kids are okay, if they'll eveer get married why he doesn't have a daughter
and if he loves his wife

Christ, will these little ones be in your "celestial family?"
I certainly hope so

chapter's opens make my way to the poetry section and find him with the help of a nice assistant

eliot cost me 27 dollars
but it was worth every penny
to read about the waste land he described so eloquently
it's where i live
september is the cruellest of months
yes the cruellest of months
when all the young ones come back to drink their beer and fill their heads with useless knowledge
and I'll partake knowing that all i need to know is you
christ, if you want to come down and take me with you
then I'll glady come i'll be like enoch and never die
before I go home
but if you don't want me yet that's ok
cause you're a whole lot smarter than me and you know exactly where you want me to be
and I'll wait here for you to take me and i'll tell all the people that they can know you
but just not hold you
yet; I'll gladly wait my turn
for you
amen.

"...drink the spirit breathed / from dead men to their kind"

There's a William Wordsworth quotation for Todd.

I would like to find a hardcover copy of Collected Poems 1909-1962 by T. S. Eliot published by Faber and Faber that doesn't cost a bajillion dollars.

I would like to find a poem by William Wordsworth that I actually like to make purchasing his book worthwhile.

sigh.

poem

Analogy n. 1: an inference that if things agree in some respects they probably agree in others 2: drawing a comparison in order to show a similarity in some respect

rain rises
up from
beneath

on the

river

I am a Country Idjit

I left my bag at work last night. My bag has my wallet in it. My wallet has my student card in it. My student card is my bus pass. I need to use the bus a crap load today. Argh.

I thought I had an exam in class today and was totally freaking out, but then found out the professor rescheduled it for after reading break. Praise God for his providence.

Now, I need to get my brain working.

The days are just packed

Things to do Today:

1. Edit ENG 212H essay
2. Read The Party's Over
3. Go to HIST 250 Lecture
4. Finish ENG 431 grammar assignment
5. Find monographs and articles regarding the poetry of William Carlos Williams
6. Hand in ENG 212H Essay
7. Hand in ENG 431 Grammar Assignment.

Reading week:
1. Con-Ed placement, prepare and teach three lessons
2. Research for ENG 431 presentation / essay
3. Reasearch for WCW essay

Packed indeed.

Today was the third official meeting of the fabled DPS. Again Jer slept... and slept... and slept. We had two new people show up, who added greatly to the discussion: Val, and her friend Venessa. They both have unique poetic voices (as we all have...) and their alternate perspectives add greatly to the conversations. Keep coming out. Things are growing and getting better...

Yesterday, Mark and I had a little jokey conversation at TCF rregarding where people's bibles naturally open to. The idea is that if you hold a person's bible on its binding and then let go, it will naturally open to the part they read the most.

Robbie's bible opens to Isaiah, his favourite passage.
Hansen's opens up to Jeremiah.

My bible opens to Job.

I've been reading Job almost exclusively for three months now. Job is edifying in the dark times...

...which are ending.

In the mail

Apparently I am MISS NOAH SALO. Or, at least that's what Queen's University thinks... in the letter that they mandatorily send me saying I owe them:

$0.00

Really what's the point?

My copy of Mitchell and Robinson's Beowulf: An Edition arrived in the mail today from good old England, and truly in "like new" condition.

Time for me to draw in it. On orders from my professor.

Professor, n. root "profess," 1. One who professes.

Ah, gee, Todd.

My head is spinning.

Transaction

You enslave me Old Man, my enjambed
thoughts dictated by your subtle control
of my brain;
Stop!

Did you see it?

is flawed. Language
is flawed. Without these words

of you.

I heart paper

I just bought a new paper journal.

I think I'm a bit obsessive compulsive (insert Amber's laughter here). If I do not have a black, unlined paper journal my sanity becomes frayed slowly...to the point that I lose my ability to think coherently.

And it has to have a little latch thing that closes it... and a pen holder. Of course it's impossible for me to find that type of stetchbook now, so it ends up becoming a mad arts and crafts experience in my room involving me tearing apart the covers of my old journals and using lots of tape to construct a home made journal that meets my specifications.

A lot of tape. Two hours worth of tape. And me sitting on my bed furiously taping. In my underwear. Picture it. I know you can.

I am a strange human being.

The chicken P'Zone is vastly superior dining.

On Saturday night I hung out with Amber for the first time this year. The first time. And it's October. That is bad.

We decided that we would continue our long-standing tradtion of eating Pizza Hut P'Zones. There is a swell PH five minutes from her house. It was recently renovated to include a brand new dining area, that we clearly took advantage of.

The chicken P'Zone is infinitely better than the regular pepperoni one. It is so worth the extra dollar. So.

We chatted about lots of things, from our frustration with the lack of special programs for gifted students, to matters of the soul, to matters of the heart. Amber always likes to talk about Robbie, but that's okay, cause she's in love. (And one day, I'll be in love too and I'll talk her freaking ear off til it bleeds).

Amber is truly a swell girl who is out to help everyone she's involved with. She told me that when I am going on my next date, she's going to take me out first, to "rate" me and make sure I'm actually somewhat presentable.

Amber, I will take you up on that. In ten years. When I actually have a date. Okay, that was a bit cynical, it'll be twenty years, not ten. Joking aside...

We had coffee (correction: I had coffee, she had hot chocolate) at Dreams and Beans, where our discussion continued.

I love my great friends.

On another note...

I am writing an essay on the poems "The Divine Image," and "The Human Abstract" by William Blake. I don't think I hate his stuff as mouch any more. Though The Marriage of Heaven and Hell still makes me want to break things...

I think I'll just go listen to The Blamed instead...

Swimming for Jesus

Listening to: The Blamed- The Lonely Zagreb The album "Give Us Barabbas" took about two months to sink in... but when it hit me, yesterday at about 7:30 am, it hit me like a sack of bricks. A BIG sack of bricks.

My friend Becky, who was in the TCF small group I led last year, was baptized today at Ferndale Church. It was an awesome service. I love seeing new Christians showing their devotion and commitment to Christ. Becky's passion is enough to kill the coldness of even the most hardened cynic. (Not that I'm that cynical...).

I'm starting to finally value the "joy of the Lord."

There's a lot of TCF people that go to Ferndale. I invited a girl named Valerie to come to The DPS, as she seems interested in Poetry.

Here's a poem I wrote at about 1:30 am today... It's probably the most authentic "love" poem I've ever written... and I don't even think its bad. Funny thing, there isn't a "special someone" its aimed at... it's a general expression of that feeling I get when I really fall for someone. It's what I want to feel for my wife someday. The quotation is from Amber (though again, the poem itself is not about her). She told me that when I talk I don't just speak, instead I make essays in my head out of ordinary things. Interesting thought.

Academic Prose

She said that I
"speak
like an essay"
and "weave
arguments"
in my brain.

But I
think
like a poet
and see
lines
in her name.

Fall (Sonnet)

I.

Shine
on her glasses,
as she
turns her
head toward
me.

Is
my hair just
right or
curled up from
all the
rain?

Dead
leaves fall from
the trees
as we
slowly walk
by.

II.

Spoken
words
heard.
Broken,

Shaken.
Shards
far
fallen.

Crack;
digress
progress
gasp.

Edict,
Convict.

Used books are cool

I went to the Scholar's Bookstore in downtown Peterborough today. Its the best organized used bookstore I have ever seen in my life. The guy who owns it must love owning a bookstore. Then again, who wouldn't love owning a bookstore?

I got the following two books for very low prices:

T.S. Eliot, Selected Poems
B. C. Southam, A Student's Guide to the Selected Poems of T. S. Eliot

The company that published these books, Faber & Faber, is a brilliant company. First, you get one of the best known poets of the 20th century to select what he believes to be his best and most representative poetry for a student collection. Then, you get an accomplished scholar to write an expositional study guide for every poem in the book. It's like a mini-course in Eliot in book form. Sweet. And I finally have a copy of the poem The Hollow Men.

Tonight I am teaching Junior High at my church, followed by some movie watching at Jerry's house, with him, Todd and some others. Tomorrow I work 12-4, then I'm getting together with Amber and Robbie. Sunday is Becky's Baptism at Ferndale and much writing of my William Blake essay.

I guess that's all for now.

Keep rocking and/or rolling.

The next time you see me, ask me what time it is

Derek Webb, a musician I have yet to hear, but apparently need to, has an album called "She Must and Shall Go Free." A (timely) reference to the Church (that is, Church corporate, the whole thing).

I talked with Pastor Norm today about lots of things. Translation. Anglo-Saxon. The Church. Doubt. Theology. Spiritual Gifts. Witnessing. Coffee. George Bush and oil. Swearing. Sex. All the easy to talk about, non-inflamatory stuff. (Yeah, right.)

Pastor Norm has got to be the awesomest old guy ever. He understands, cares, and helps me with my struggles, and is aware and understanding of generational gaps. He has (frighteningly) similar criticisms of the church (corporate, and our specific local) as me.

The difference? Maturity. And he's not apathetic and bitter.

Talking to Pastor Norm in itself strengthens my faith and desire to please God.

The best part is that he sees the same problems as me, and is working to defeat them. And he also sees through the media biases that I often buy into.

God bless Pastor Norm.

PS: The next time you see me, ask me what time it is. I got a killer new pocket watch

Can I get a witness? Preach Preacha! Test-i-fy!

Steve Bremner has been posting his testimony in great detail on his blog. Though Steve and I have some theological differences it is always encouraging to read about the unique and different ways that God works in different people's lives.

And our theology isn't really all that different, anyway.

Oh yeah, in regard to the title of this post, I'm allowed to make fun of Baptists, since I am one.

Short Posts

I'm all about them lately.

Print Media

I just finished my other paper journal. I had it about 14 months, add that to this, and I write a whole lot.

foot note # 40:15

shiny elephant hippopotamus broken bloody split skip
rope
esophagus
filthy hippopotamus tales like tails like see dar's cedars feeders feed
her's
behemoth elephant hippopotamus
phil the phil the fill the philanderer philander her fill and her
fille and/or phil and her
split body
fille and gore apple core

Return, Return, Return...

Listening to: Jennifer Knapp, Mac Powell, & Nicole Nordman- Sing Alleluia I really wonder what happened to Jen Knapp, she was truly a gifted singer. I think this is one of her last recordings before she disappeared off the face of the planet...

Apparently there was a huge earthquake in Pakistan yesterday. Yikes. Usually (and this to my shame) I'm somewhat callous to natural disasters... (like, the plethora of them recently...) It's almost becoming common place to hear about people I've never met in foreign countries suffering.

However there are two people in Pakistan I know... well, not personally, but via the internet. Matt and Ruth Cook, missionaries in Pakistan. When I heard about the eathquake today a church my heart sank... all of a sudden all these natural disasters became real to me. It's sad that it took me knowing people in the country to realize this. Please pray for Matt, Ruth, their new son and everyone in Pakistan. I pray that Matt and Ruth are okay so that they can continue their vital ministry to the people of Pakistan, and even that their ministry would be strengthened due to this event.

Things like this make me long for the return of Christ. I've questioned my faith a lot recently, but that speaks only of my immaturity. When I look at the suffering in this world, and the very fact that the world itself is falling apart, I feel all the more the godlessness of this world. The weight of the old man my flesh presses on stronger, and I desire to be free from all of this world and its desires.

But we are still here for a reason. I know the Lord has plans for me, and in spite of myself they will be accomplished, "nothing can separate us from the love of God," Paul says, and that includes ourselves.

"I'm longing, I'm waiting."
"Return to yourself..."

A family of...

Listening to: Joy Electric- Most Terrible Archer The album "The Ministry of Archers" is definitely growing on me, despite my initial reaction to both is brevity (32 minutes!) and the number of instrumentals (3 of 10 songs). Even with these flaws, the music itself is some of Ronnie's best and catchiest (without being too mainstream) and the lyrics are the best JE lyrics yet. The drums actually sound like drums, and are quite high in the mix. Yay. So, props for good music and lyrics. Strikes for the skimpy booklet without lyrics included and short album length.

Today was fun even with the rain. I got some awesome books at the Trent Library to help with my essays. I am going to be writing an essay on William Carlos Williams' book Spring and All, discussing his poetic vision in relation to that book's poetry and prose. It should be fun.

Apparently it is Thanksgiving weekend. Wow. Time flys, eh?

I helped Caroline edit one of her poems today. She has to drive five hours to go home for Thanksgiving. That must suck.

I think I'm going out for supper tonight with my mom and a friend of hers who used to babysit me when I was a wee lad. Man, talk about exciting times. (insert sarcastic tone)

Actually, I dig hanging out with my mom.

I'm going to be going to a Promise Keepers rally with Jerry in November. That should be some good and challenging times.

We are sharing a hotel room. God have mercy on us... I think we're both just eccentric enough to drive each other into homicidal rampages...

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving. Be thankful.

Remember to check out The DPS.

Mock On

Mock On Mock On William Blake
I see your words
in a grain of sand
falling from my hand
and blowing away

...to burn your bridges by.

If there has ever been a time in my Christian life when I have been the closest to giving up on God, church, and all of that, it was this weekend.

It wasn't for any specific reason. Over the past eight months I have acquired a surplus of doubt, bitterness, and anger, with a deficit of prayer and bible study. I put this in economic terms because it is only appropriate. More time with God = joy and conviction, less time with God =rampant sin and despair. Self-inflicted, of course.

I didn't tell many people about this... out of shame, etc. But it got to the point that I couldn't hide my doubts and anger any more and those closest to me began to notice me changing... becoming less Christ-like, and doing so at a somewhat alarming rate.

On Friday night I was about ready to pack it all in, and completely give up on God and my faith, and I think I did, for about a day. I had an interesting discussion with Kim, who brought it to my attention that everyone knew something was up.

On Saturday I had coffee with Caroline, and she pretty much made me realize I was being an idiot... on the walk home I ran into a boy from the Bridge who informed me that his girlfriend was now pregnant.

I can be such a God-damned selfish ass.

I think I'm doing better now. I prayed today and read three chapters from Job. That shouldn't be something special but considering I haven't read my bible or prayed in about a month I think that's a good start.

Aaron Holbrough preached at Church in the Caf on Sunday, and though I doubt it was his intention, he certainly convicted me of my problem.

Off with your head
We'll take it all back and then some
Never again... Off with your head
We'll cut out all that's a hindrance
Bleed the old man-
Andrew Schwab